


Pay Phone

by firesign10



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-05
Updated: 2012-12-04
Packaged: 2017-11-20 08:39:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 43,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/583390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/firesign10/pseuds/firesign10
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles first meet as co-stars on a new tv show, <i>Supernatural</i>. Co-stars become best friends . . . until their relationship changes one summer, as they vacation together at the Outer Banks in North Carolina. It's idyllic there . . . but what about the rest of the world? Jensen and Jared find that they have very different ideas about life and love. Can they make it work in Vancouver and California? Will their relationship grow in the public eye, or wither in the closet? And how long can true love last?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> **Spoiler(s):** Season 1 through the end of Season 5  
>  **Disclaimer:** It's all fiction: Jensen, Jared, and all other parties belong to themselves; none of this happened in real life; I have an overactive imagination. Supernatural is a property of the CW and does not in any way belong to me. Lyrics at the beginning of the story are from the song, "Pay Phone" by Maroon 5, and do not in any way belong to me.
> 
> This story was inspired by (of course) the beautiful and talented men, Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki. The thematic inspiration is from the song, "Pay Phone" by Maroon 5. When I started this story, I thought it would just be a short vignette, but I was a little wrong about that! Then I joined the Big Big Bang challenge on LiveJournal, and it just grew from there. I vastly enjoyed writing this story, and learned many things along the way. I'm excited to send it out into the world now, and I truly hope you enjoy it.

I'm at a payphone trying to call home  
All of my change I spent on you  
Where have the times gone, baby it's all wrong  
Where are the plans we made for two?

I've wasted my nights,  
You turned out the lights  
Now I'm paralyzed,  
Still stuck in that time,  
When we called it love,  
But even the sun sets in paradise

 

The pay phone stood off to one side of the gas station, its chrome winking in the sun. It still looked to be in decent shape - nothing appeared broken or missing. “Christ,” Jensen thought. “I didn't think there were any pay phones even left anywhere. Probably doesn't work – fucking derelict piece of crap. This whole fucking pit stop looks godforsaken.” The single road running through the New Mexico desert sported the dusty gas station, a faded-looking diner, and a little further up, Jensen could see a beat-up motel. 

Jensen ran his arm over his forehead to wipe off some of the sweat and dirt. He wanted a cool shower. He wanted a cold beer. He wanted to get the fuck outta here, maybe find some air conditioning. A breath of cool air to calm his heated brain and his chaotic emotions, emotions he thought he'd sealed off in a vault years ago. That vault had been breached recently, and a maelstrom of feelings was unleashed – hurt, anger, passion, longing – love. His heart and head were aching with the onslaught, and the dusty, desert heat wasn't helping things.

Fuck it, Jensen thought. Fuck the whole damn ball of wax, and then leave it there in the road. Emotional roadkill. He half-laughed, half-snorted, and damn if he didn't look to the side to share the humor with Jared. Fucking Jared, after all this time yet.

Fucking, asshole Jared. Jensen's laughter died and tears sprang up instead.

Funny, beautiful Jared. Six barren years with no Jared, and then he'd appeared in front of Jensen, as large and gorgeous as ever. That happened a few days ago, and Jensen was still reeling, Jared's presence serving as a catalyst for crap Jensen thought long buried. Apparently not.

He could still picture Jared every bit as clearly. Picture him, hell – hear him, smell him, taste him. Like no one else. Larger than life.

Time hadn't really changed anything. Jensen had just gotten better at pretending and hiding. But when all the pretending and hiding was done?

He still wanted Jared.

 

* * * * * * *

 

In the beginning, there was a pilot being cast for a show about two brothers. Their life revolved around traveling the country, fighting evil in all its infinite forms. Hunting urban legends, saving innocent people. Out of a host of other actors, two attractive, but still down-to-earth, young men survived the various rounds of casting calls. The time came for them to meet and read together, the final test for the roles of the brothers Winchester.

“Hello, boys! You two introduce yourselves yet?” asked the casting assistant.

Two heads - one tousled dark blonde and one shaggy dark brown – shook simultaneously. They'd heard each others name in previous meetings and phone calls, and they'd both Googled the other for a little background and an advance peek. Sitting in the anteroom, though, nerves set in and neither could bring themselves to make the first move. Now the ice was broken, so brief smiles flitted across handsome faces while long legs untangled from too-low chairs.

“Well, here ya go then! Jensen Ackles, meet Jared Padalecki. Jared, Jensen. We're still looking at you, Jensen, for the older brother, Dean Winchester, and then you, Jared, for Dean's younger brother, Sam. Jared, Jensen comes to us from Dark Angel and Smallville. Jensen, Jared's been working on Gilmore Girls for a few years. You guys can exchange any other niceties after the read, mmkay? You've both given us great reads for these characters already, but now we need to see you read together before we make the final decision. Y'all are supposed to be brothers, and the show is gonna rest on your shoulders, so it's crucial we get a sense of the chemistry between you. Jensen, if this goes into pilot, you're gonna have to cut that hair – Dean wears a quasi-military cut, okay? Make this count now, boys – it's for all the marbles!”

Eyes with an exotic mix of blue/green/brown met a bright green pair, as firm handshakes were exchanged. As palm pressed palm, wide smiles broke out. The read, of course, went swimmingly. No one ever looked back as far as casting the Winchester boys went.

 

* * * * * * *

 

Jared was emotionally raw after the crushing end of his engagement to Sandy. Several years of a loving relationship were reduced to ashes within a few days. Sandy was gone, heading back to L.A immediately after the final fight, and Jared was deeply depressed. Jensen completely understood Jared's devastation. He'd watched Jared and Sandy's relationship grow during the first couple seasons of Supernatural. She came up to Vancouver from time to time, and more frequently Jared flew back to L.A. on weekends. They'd taken trips together, the last one during the season three winter break to Paris, culminating in Jared's proposal. He'd come home bouncy and happy, burbling about how wonderful/beautiful/amazing Sandy was. But it seemed that the presentation of the ring cast a shadow on the couple, as little fights began to break out and minor disagreements became long-distance arguments. Jared's smiles faded, replaced by a sad expression and hushed, tense phone calls. Sandy came up to Vancouver one last time, ostensibly to try and work things out between them. Instead, stilted conversational exchanges were punctuated by ugly flare-ups on both sides. Sandy finally snapped one last time, telling Jared it was over. She'd left for the airport within the hour, leaving behind a shell-shocked ex-fiancé.

Now Jensen was doing his best to be the supportive best friend: staying over at Jared's place for late night beers and mindless rounds of video gaming; making sure Jared consumed more than just junk food and beer; listening to Jared's tales of woe at any hour of the day or night. Jensen felt for Jared - the guy was a big puppy dog, how could someone kick him like this? 

Hidden inside, though, Jensen thought that Jared might have dodged a bullet. Sandy was sweet and lovely and funny, but she wasn't . . . enough for Jared. If she had been, wouldn't they have been able to make it work? Jared was such a great guy, he deserved . . . something more. Someone more. Someone a little deeper, a little less emotionally constricted, a little more . . . exceptional. Jared's heart and nature were as large as his frame, and he needed someone who could match that. Jensen didn't know who or what that was going to be, but he knew it wasn't Sandy. For now, Jensen just wanted Jared's heart to scab over and his life to resume its normal pace. Jared needed to heal, and Jensen was going to do all he could to insure that that happened. Jared deserved no less.

 

* * * * * * *

 

Jared climbed into Jensen's trailer and flopped down on the couch, dabbing at his nose with a paper towel. 

“Fucking demons! I hate sucking them out of humans! Shoving that blood capsule up my nose is a bitch!”

Jensen laughed and smacked the back of Jared's shaggy head.

“That's what you get for being tainted with demon blood, bro!” He handed Jared a beer, thinking how good it was to see Jared enjoying work again. They were a quarter of the way into season four, and it had taken several weeks for Jared to start perking up again. Then his natural exuberance kicked back in and he was bouncing around, cracking jokes and manhandling everyone as always.

“So, Jen, there's something I wanna ask you,” Jared said slowly. He was fiddling with his beer bottle label as he sat back on the couch. Jensen waited quietly, but Jared seemed to be having a hard time continuing.

“Sure, Jay, anything. Whatcha need?” Jensen finally said, hoping to help Jared get unstuck.

“It's my trip,” Jared finally said. “I had those reservations to Hawaii during last hiatus – Sandy and I were gonna go, spend some 'quality couple-time' together, ya know?” Jensen could hear the air quotes without even looking over. “Well, I was going to cancel them, but then I thought 'Damn! I still wanna go somewhere!' Plus if I just took rainchecks instead of canceling, I wouldn't lose the money from the original reservations. So I was wondering, Jen – what do you think about coming with me on a little vacay? You can even pick the destination; I just want a beach, beer, and a chance to relax. What do you say, bro?” He turned to face Jensen, exerting the full force of the Padalecki puppy eyes.

Jensen was surprised at the invitation. He remembered Jared making the original reservations, but he hadn't thought of it at all since the break-up. His main concern, besides his job of being Dean, had been Jared's health, and returning him to the happy, goofy young man that Jensen knew so well. He hadn't given any thought to anything past the next few episodes, much less as far ahead as hiatus. Now that he'd been presented with the idea, he had to admit it sounded appealing. They were always so busy and tired during the filming season, but they had so much fun together in the midst of all the work. Spending a couple of weeks hanging out together in some location far from Vancouver's rain and mists sounded terrific.

“Wow, Jay, that's … that's an amazing offer! You sure you want to go on vacation with me and not some cute production assistant or something?” Jensen winked at Jared.

Jared scoffed. “Some airhead with tits or my best friend – yeah, I think I'm choosing you, dude. Besides … don't think I missed how you were taking care of me there. I know I was kind of a wreck for a while, and you were the best friend anyone could have asked for. I can't thank you enough, Jen, you really went above and beyond. I think the least I could do to say thanks is take you on a fucking trip, yeah?” Jared grinned at Jensen, who grinned back and threw some chips at him. “We can go next hiatus, I have flexibility on the travel dates. What do you say, man? You in?”

“Sure, man, I'm in! I'd love to go with you! I think I have a great idea for where we can go, too.” Jensen had immediately thought about taking Jared to the Outer Banks in North Carolina. Jensen had visited there when he was filming Dawson's Creek, and he'd loved the quiet area and the beautiful, tempestuous Atlantic. He thought the combination of peacefulness and low-key activity would be a great mix for them to decompress together.

Jensen told Jared about his idea, describing the beauty and undeveloped charm of the area. Jared was on board immediately, wanting a break from flashier vacation spots or Los Angeles. They laughed together, moods already rising at the thought of beach time fun and relaxation. There would be time to just hang out together, without doing crazy stunts, fighting fake monsters, racing tight deadlines, and suffering with bad weather. Swimming in the ocean, exploring the barrier island, hanging out and checking out hot chicks on the beach – they can't wait.

And if Jensen felt particularly happy about the trip being just for the two of them, well . . . he simply attributed it to his joy that Jared was feeling so much better.

 

* * * * * * *

 

“Jared! You and Sandy just broke up a few months ago! What are you talking about, you're seeing Genevieve now? You hardly know the girl! What the fuck, man!” Jensen knew he was a little more worked up than he should be, but it just didn't make sense to him. Jared had loved Sandy for a long time, had practically gone into mourning at their break-up, and now – it was just a few months later, and he was after some slutty little guest star? Was it just a thing he had for petite brunettes? Or had there just been too many Sam and Ruby scenes?

“Fuck off, Jensen!” Jared snapped back at him. “So I haven't known her that long, so what! I'm not marrying her, I just wanna go out with her. She's fun and smart and feisty, and she's pretty hot, too! What's the big fucking deal? What the hell does it even matter to you?”

Jensen groaned. Genevieve was fine, as guest star chicks went, but this had to be a rebound. He'd wanted Jared to feel better, to have fun again, but now Jared was chasing after this … this Sandy-clone? Jensen couldn't help worrying that Jared just didn't know what he was doing. And what was going to happen with their trip to North Carolina? Was he going to want to take Genevieve instead? Jensen resolutely shunted his inappropriate vacation concerns to one side and re-focused on the matter at hand.

“Seriously, Jensen, Genevieve is a nice girl. I don't know what your problem with her is. I wanna date again, dude. I wanna get laid again. So what the hell is up with all of this outrage? You're really losing your shit here! You'd think you were the one who got dumped! Or else you'd think you were . . .” Jared stopped dead, staring at Jensen, stricken.

The word hung in the air between them.

“Were what, Jared? Jealous? You think I'm jealous? Dude, FUCK that - you know I can go out and get any girl I'm interested in, and I'm not just being an egotistical bastard saying that.”

“No, Jen. Not jealous that I've got a girl. Jealous ... OF the girl. Jealous of the girl that I'm going out with. The girl I'm looking to have sex with. You're jealous of her being with me, spending time with me. Is that it, Jensen? Is that what's going on here? 'Cause that seems to be what's makes sense here, except that it doesn't.” Jared stared at Jensen, arms crossed as he tried to figure out Jensen's angry reaction to the news that Jared was dating Genevieve. Jealousy was the only logical conclusion, but Jensen wasn't gay. Jared was hurt and confused by Jensen's angry outburst.

Jensen felt like he'd been stabbed. Oh, fuck. What was Jared saying? What kind of horseshit was this? And … oh god, oh fuck, why did it seem to make sense?? What gear just turned deep inside him, dropping a fat, fucking penny with Jensen's feelings engraved all over it? With a shock that was practically an electric jolt to his brain, Jensen realized that he had carefully been turning a blind eye to his deeper feelings for Jared, and had done so for some time now. Oh, they said it all the time: Yeah, Jay, love ya, man. Love ya, Jen. Telling the world, yeah, we're the best of bros, we've got each other's backs. But … could it be more than that? Was he actually jealous? Did he really feel more for Jared than friendship and respect, and was he truly envious of Genevieve's and Jared's looming intimacy?

Jensen felt sick with the weight of unresolved thoughts roiling inside him. Moving very carefully and deliberately, he got up, made his way to the trailer door, and left. He could barely feel the steps beneath his feet or the railing under his hand as he exited the trailer. He thought he heard the blur of Jared's voice apologizing behind him, but he couldn't really focus on the words. Jensen just knew he had to get out of that trailer and far away. Immediately. Before he said or did something he'd regret. Something he couldn't even admit to himself.

 

* * * * * * *

 

The dating dust-up blew over quickly – working together as the only leads in an hour-long show didn't leave a lot of space for avoiding one's co-star. They were in each other's faces all day and half the night, filming Sam and Dean versus the monsters and the demons. Jensen resolutely buried any questionable feelings he might have about Jared, without any further analysis on his own part. He simply concentrated on being the hunter, womanizer, and hard-drinking character that was Dean. Jared appeared to follow his lead, sinking himself into Sam and his slow slide into demon blood addiction, and soon the irrepressible camaraderie re-established itself. Even Genevieve's almost constant presence on set as Ruby, intertwining herself with Sam, didn't faze Jensen. He was able to smile at her, chat with her, and leave the anger Dean had for Ruby behind on the set floor. Jared relaxed even more, smiling warmly at Jensen and clearly grateful that they had moved past the fight. 

Jared and Genevieve had been dating for a few weeks when Jared came into Jensen's trailer, bloody of course. Jensen threw a towel at Jared and gestured to the water bottles standing on the table. Jared wiped his face and snagged a water bottle, taking a couple of long gulps before attempting to talk.

"So, thought I'd let ya know that you were right. Well, half-right." Jared said, before guzzling more water.

"Right? What was I right about? And do I get a prize?" Jensen retorted, laughing as Jared threw the now-bloody and make-up smeared towel back at him.

"Me and Gen. She's a great gal, and we've had some good times, don't get me wrong. She likes a lot of different things, and she's a big reader, and we hit it off great in bed." Jensen rolled his eyes. "Hahaha! Seriously, dude, she's a lot of fun. But we talked about it last night, and we agreed we're better as friends. There just isn't that . . . spark, that magic, you know what I mean? And we thought, better re-adjust now than try to fake it and end up hating each other. So . . . you were right. Maybe it's still too soon, or maybe she just isn't the one, but whatever the reason, she and I are just friends now." Jared looked down at his hands, restless on Sam's jeans, and then looked back up at Jensen. "I owe you an apology, Jen. I said some uncalled for things to you, and I'm sorry. I know you only ever want the best for me, man, and calling you out for being jealous? Well . . . it was wrong, and I'm sorry."

Jensen ducked his head, feeling small as Jared apologized so graciously. He cleared his throat and looked at Jared, sitting there on Jensen's couch and looking regretful. Jensen got up and came to sit next to Jared, putting his arm around Jared's shoulders. "Hey, man, don't worry about it. I was outta line saying those things, and you had every right to be pissed. It's your choice, it's your life, and I'll be there no matter what goes down, okay? All I want is to hang out by your side and be your friend. That's it, Jare, that's it."

Jared's face was beaming. "Done deal! Thanks, Jensen, I know you only have my best interests at heart. I love you, man." And Jared threw his arms around Jensen, practically knocking him off the couch, but then saving him by the tightness of the embrace.

Jensen hugged him back, happy to be square with Jared again, but cursing his body's reaction to Jared's close, tight contact. His pulse was faster, his cock was chubbing, and he felt super-sensitized all over. He gritted his teeth, willing his body to settle down and trying not to notice how good Jared smelled. It didn't work very well. 

 

* * * * * * *

 

They hurtled toward hiatus, the episodes flying by in a blur of demons, angels, and guest stars. Sam got lucky with a demon, and Dean got lucky with an angel. Together, Sam and Dean fought evil and each other, finally uniting at the finale as Sam killed Lilith and unexpectedly freed Lucifer. It was a huge emotional build-up, with a knock-down fight between the brothers in the second to last episode, and then Dean's desperate - and ultimately futile - chase to stop Sam. Jensen and Jared finished up the finale and hit the wrap party, celebrating a good year's work with a fantastic cast and crew. Finally it was time to pack, board the plane, and head off to enjoy some downtime over on the East Coast.

Both men took deep breaths of relief after takeoff, finally relaxing from the last-minute packing rush and then getting through the TSA screening. As the plane flew out over the Northwest heading east, vacation excitement succumbed to post-filming fatigue. Jensen and Jared both napped for a few hours, bodies fully relaxing for the first time in weeks. Even the plushy first class seats, though, eventually became uncomfortable for 6 foot plus bodies. Jared stirred first, stretching as he could in within the confines of the seat and guzzling from the water bottle in his armrest. He turned to Jensen, still slumbering, and smiled at the tousled hair of his co-traveler. Jared studied Jensen's thick lashes, the slight curve to his nose, and the myriad caramel freckles scattered generously across his face. This face had looked at Jared with a thousand different expressions – joy, horror, fear, mischief, drunken hilarity, even grief. Between Dean and Jensen himself, Jared had thought he'd seen them all. But now . . . Jared faced the fact that there were new expressions he wanted to see, new responses he hoped to evoke. Tenderness. Passion. Love – not for a co-worker or a friend or a brother, but for a lover.

Jared shivered. His feelings for Jensen had been growing throughout the season, the lighthearted hooking up with Genevieve notwithstanding. In fact, Gen had helped Jared realize that his feelings for Jensen were more than brotherly. Jared and Gen had had a good time together, and they had enjoyed some very satisfactory sex, but it was clear early on that this relationship wasn't going to go anywhere serious. Jared had felt that there must be something wrong with him for not having stronger feelings for Gen, but she was a canny observer. It was Gen who gently suggested to him what might be going on. She deduced that Jared was falling for his co-star, and in fact those feelings had played a part in the break-up with Sandy. That had been a bit of a revelation for him, but the puzzle piece fit right in. 

Once accepted, it was an exciting idea to contemplate - the possibility of moving into a deeper, more romantic relationship with Jensen. It was scary as hell, too. Such a prize to be won, the two of them being together, but so much at risk if it didn't turn out as he hoped. The question was . . . would he have the courage to tell Jensen how he felt during this vacation? 

Perhaps Jensen felt Jared's scrutiny, for his eyes opened then, blearily focusing on Jared.

“Hey,” Jensen mumbled. “You been awake long? What the fuck you staring at me for?”

“'Cause you're gorgeous,” Jared replied with a smile. “Just about the best looking thing I ever saw.” He laid his hand over Jensen's rubbing his thumb across Jensen's wrist. “Jen, I can't believe we're actually doing this! Wanted to for so long, and now here we are!”

Jensen smiled, the feeling of Jared's hand on his and the wonder in Jared's voice sending little thrills throughout Jensen's body.

“I know, Jay. It's pretty great, huh? Just wait until we're actually there!”

They gazed at each other, talking quietly until the flight attendant came through, serving beverages and checking on their meal orders. The rest of the flight passed calmly, with food, some light reading, and the in-flight movie (which they thoroughly heckled together in whispers), and several completely accidental brushes of arms and knees. Completely. Simply because of the close quarters. That's all. 

They landed at Norfolk, with the requisite giggles from Jared over the pronunciation of the airport and town. Jensen rolled his eyes and guided his giddy travel partner to baggage claim. Next stop was the rental car, since the Outer Banks were a good three hours from the airport. They picked up a Range Rover, and once it was filled with their bags and themselves, Jensen took the wheel and headed onto Route 13.

Jared stared out of the window, finding all the lush greenery relaxing. Signs popped up here and there for various tourist traps or trailer parks. He was curious why it didn't look beachy at all though, so he asked Jensen about it.

"Hey, I thought we're going down the coast to Cape Hatteras, but this looks like farmland. Where's the ocean, man?"

Jensen smiled as he sped down the 2-lane highway. "It's out there - we're just too far inland still to see it. The first hour is like this, but then we'll get to the real start of the coastline, and it's ocean all the way after that. First up will be Kill Devil Hills. We can stop there for a break, if you want, or we can just keep going and visit it another day."

"Let's keep going for now. I just wanna GET THERE, ya know? But I'd love to check it out later. Isn't that where the Wright Brothers did all their flight stuff?"

"Yep, sure was. There's also Jockey Ridge, which is the largest sand dune in the U.S. I'm with you, though, let's get to Hatteras now and explore other stuff later!"

They smiled at each other, excitement for their beach vacation surging through them. This was gonna be AWESOME!!


	2. Chapter 2

Sure enough, the green fields gave way to sandy shoulders and the highway widened to accommodate beach-bound travelers. Brightly colored shops advertised kites, t-shirts, surfboards, and beach gear of every description. Traffic was heavy and much slower, causing an eager Jared to bounce around inside the car.

"What's up with this traffic, dude? Is this where we're staying?"

"Nope, this is the more built-up, commercial area. We're going below Nags Head, which will put us onto wildlife preserve land. There's still towns, but they can't build up like this because they're on protected wetlands. We should be hitting the bridge across Oregon Inlet in just a few minutes."

And five minutes later, there it was - the turn-off for the Oregon Inlet bridge. It was a fairly humble bridge, but the shores that it linked were worlds apart. As they came down the curve of the bridge, they could see the wide flatland of the barrier island, thick with marsh grass and sea oats and scrubby trees. Notices for Pea Island National Wildlife Refuge were posted along the road, and soon there was a driveway on one side leading to the Wildlife Refuge Visitor Center. The traffic was only a fraction of what it had been, and there were times now when Jared and Jensen's Range Rover was the only car on the road. A few towns passed by - conglomerations of weathered houses with small clusters of restaurants and fishing shops. The ocean was frequently visible now, merely depending how wide the sand bank and beach was between the road and the surf. Jensen told Jared that the island was only a few miles wide at best, and the severe storms of the Atlantic often washed the road away. Living on the Outer Banks meant constant rebuilding, and that meant the only highway that connected it to the mainland as well.

Finally, the signs for Avon appeared, and Jensen whooped. Jared looked puzzled.

"I thought we were going to Cape Hatteras?"

"We're staying in Avon - it's a few miles north of the Cape Hatteras lighthouse. The island is a thin strip of land running north to south. The lighthouse is where the island sticks out into the ocean, then bends east toward the mainland. There's a small island there called Ocracoke, you can only get there by ferry. We'll be right on the ocean - you can get up and have your morning coffee overlooking the beach and the water. The Atlantic is a whole different animal than the Pacific - colder, stronger, more dramatic. You'll love it, Jared, I know you will." Jensen smiled at his co-star.

They drove into Avon and quickly found the realty office, picking up their keys and getting a sheet of instructions about trash and laundry for their house. Jensen couldn't help the broad grin that kept breaking out on his face, and Jared was practically bouncing with excitement. Into the car one last time, and then they were pulling up to their home for the next two weeks.

All the houses were on stilts, which gave them a whimsical appearance, and that included the house Jensen rented was as well. The boys bounded up the long staircase and unlocked the door, eager to check out their new digs. The bedrooms were all on the bottom floor, opposite from a land-bound house, and the upper floor was the living area. They perfunctorily opened all the bedroom doors, but then raced up the stairs to the next floor. They stopped in awe, jaws dropping at the view. Dimly they registered the kitchen at the back, but the whole front of the house was one open great room with huge windows on all three sides. They could see the ocean for miles, the dark green water churning and breaking with thick white foamy swirls. The crashing of the waves was immediately hypnotic. The beach itself, a cream and beige stretch of sand with dunes on the inside edge, was almost empty. There were houses on either side, but they did not block the view at all. 

Jared and Jensen slowly walked to the front of the room, staring at the incredible view. A sliding door opened at one side of the huge front window, and they stepped out onto the wrap-around deck. Wooden Adirondack chairs and tables, all weathered to a soft gray, were lined up, and a picnic table was at one end of the deck. The breeze was blowing briskly, bringing the rich, salty, ocean smell to the men who stood rapt at the deck railing. They simply could not get enough of the ocean - the dark water, the restless energy so different from the Pacific. Even the cool air was a big change, and Jensen was glad he'd brought sweats and a couple of hoodies. Jared called out suddenly, and Jensen followed his direction to see a pelican diving into the waves. Jensen looked at Jared, shaggy curls blowing in the breeze, eyes sparkling, and thought he'd never looked so beautiful.

Finally, they stirred themselves from the contemplation of the ocean and began to bring their things in from the car. Jensen grumbled at the many steps, and Jared laughed at him as he ran up three steps at a time. They looked at the bedrooms again, since they'd barely registered that there were beds earlier, and ran across a design flaw in the house. The master bedroom, with a huge king-size bed, ran the whole front of that floor, with the other bedrooms behind it. That meant only the master bedroom had an ocean view. They hemmed and hawed for a few minutes.

Jensen spoke up. "Jared, you should take it. We wouldn't even be here except for your rain checks, so you go ahead."

Jared shook his head. "Jen, you had every bit as much to do with planning this trip as I did. You take it. Or we could split it - you take it the first week, and then we can switch."

"That's too much work for vacation, dude! Look, why don't we . . . let's just both stay here. It's a fuckin' king-size, even your gigantor body will fit without molesting me. We've slept on the couch together; this is certainly bigger than that, right? It's no big deal, bro."

Jared beamed. "Sounds great to me! I can't wait to fall asleep to the sound of the ocean every night!"

That issue resolved, they unpacked and then thought about food. They piled back into the car and drove down the road to the Food Lion. Jensen told Jared that when he had first been here, the only grocery store was over an hour away. Jared shuddered, horrified at the thought being so far from food.

They planned to eat out, but not every night, so shopping was a big haul. Breakfast stuff, lunch stuff, some dinners, snacks, more snacks, beer, water, more beer. Coffee. Sunscreen. Two carriages later, they managed to fit everything into the Range Rover and head home. Jared saw a place called Dirty Dick's across the street from the grocery store. He couldn't help snickering. That caught Jensen's attention, so Jared pointed the amusing name out. They laughed and decided they would have to find out what the heck Dirty Dick's was all about.

The evening was spent grilling burgers, eating, and watching the ocean. After digesting a bit, Jared suggested an evening walk on the beach. There were steps leading down from the front of the deck, and then a wooden path going to a break between the dunes. Jensen told Jared that the sea oats were not to be walked on, as they were part of the fragile ecosystem holding the island together, and in fact it was an offense punishable by a fine.

Out on the open beach, the boys simply reveled in the fresh, ocean air and the smooth sand. They went down to the water, rolling up their jeans so they could splash their feet. Jared played tag with the baby waves as Jensen laughed at his wet jeans. They walked up the beach for a while, looking at the stilted houses on one side and the rolling surf on the other. Turning to walk back, Jared saw a long structure below their house.

"Oh, that's the old pier," Jensen said. "It's pretty decrepit now - you can see there's a second set of legs built, but those are all rickety too. We get closer tomorrow, you can see how much it's leaning. Now look out there, past the pier and more out to the water - see that light? That's the lighthouse. We'll definitely check that out."

Jared nodded, looking forward to exploring everything. Right now, walking on the beach was pretty wonderful. He looked at Jensen, who was also quiet but seemed content. Jared felt a pull toward Jensen, and he wanted to just take Jensen's hand as they walked and shared this beautiful place. He sighed, too timid to try it, and then he ran his hands through his hair as though to clear his head. Jensen turned to look at him, smiling as Jared stretched his arms as wide as he could. 

"God!! Jensen, this is so fucking wonderful!!" He laughed. "This is gonna be the best two weeks of the whole year!"

 

* * * * * * *

 

Jensen sat on the dusty curb, wondering if any place could look more barren than this one. His mind flitted from scene to scene, seeing scattered moments from the past - Vancouver, Dallas, Los Angeles. Cape Hatteras flashed through his thoughts . . . no dust there. Lots of sand, but lots of ocean too. The ocean filled Jensen's whole heart for a moment, surging waves inextricably tied up with a 6 foot 4 would-be merman with shaggy brown hair. Jensen closed his eyes, hearing the roar of the waves, seeing Jared popping up out of them, laughing as he shook the water from his hair. Jared walking out of the surf and the waves surging behind him, taking him down unexpectedly. Jensen had had a moment of pure fear, seeing Jared disappear, but there he was, popping up again. Jared had predicted those would be the best two weeks of that year, but he was wrong. Those were about the best two weeks of Jensen's life.

And now he was sitting in a dusty, empty street, alone in New Mexico. His head dropped onto his knees, his eyes stinging with bitter tears, his heart aching amidst the desolation of the desert.

 

* * * * * * *

 

Jared retired first that night, high-fiving Jensen before he loped down the stairs to the bedroom. Jensen smiled to himself as he poured a nightcap, taking the whiskey out onto the deck to savor. The ocean was practically invisible in the dark, only the whitecaps catching the moonlight. Jensen looked up and marveled at the night sky. With no pollution - light or smog - around, the stars were thickly spread across a black that seemed far darker than nighttime at Los Angeles or Vancouver.

 

Jensen enjoyed his drink as he gazed at the sky and the ocean. Part of him was entranced at the natural splendor, but more of him was acutely conscious of Jared sleeping in the huge bed downstairs. Jensen was still trying to deny his attraction to his co-star, but that denial took more energy to maintain every day. Jensen definitely felt nervous about the bed-sharing, but he reminded himself that Jared didn't know about Jensen's feelings, and Jensen had no intention of acting on them. After the last swallow of whiskey, Jensen went inside, latching the deck door shut and going downstairs to turn in.

Jared didn't snore, but he did occasionally make little snuffly sounds that Jensen found adorable. Jared was sprawled across the bed, the blanket shoved down to his hips. Jensen had seen that torso a lot during the close quarters of filming, but to see that tanned skin almost glowing against the white sheets - Jensen felt his heart skip a beat, while his cock took an immediate interest. Jared's face was half-buried in his pillow, the long line of his neck drawing Jensen's eye. His chest rose and fell with his soft breathing, the sculpted pectorals further defined by a smattering of black chest hair between them and around the small, dark nipples. Jensen ached to run his hands over that muscular body, to feel the curve of those strong muscles, as well as the soft hair, growing now that they didn't have to wax for filming.

Jared stirred and shifted, rolling onto his side. Jensen felt like a total perv, standing there and lusting after his friend as he slept. He went into the en suite to brush his teeth and pee, stripping down to his boxers. He came out and crawled into bed, looking at Jared for a long moment before resolutely rolling onto his own side, facing away from Jared. Jensen was half-hard, and he could feel Jared's warmth radiating from his body. He wondered if he'd be able to sleep, but the long day of travel plus the melodic crashing of the waves soon lulled him into a sound sleep.

 

* * * * * * *

 

The week that followed saw the boys immersing themselves into beach life. Morning coffee was taken on the deck, watching the birds and checking out the surf. Then a morning stroll on the beach, laughing at the sandpipers that acted like the waves were trying to get them. Sometimes there was an outing - maybe a drive, checking out a shop, or trying a new restaurant for lunch. The local shops were investigated for t-shirts, boogie boards, and souvenirs for family and friends as well as cast & crew. They bought shot glasses with crabs and dolphins on them, using them to drink tequila and whiskey on the deck late at night. Bright, oversized towels hung from the handy clothesline on the lower deck, along with Jared's loud board shorts and Jensen's more conservative ones, flapping in the ocean breeze.

One day they went windsurfing on the Pamlico Sound, across the other side of the highway that bisected the island. They both capsized several times, but eventually they learned to maintain their balance as the wind scudded them across the water. Another day was spent driving back up to Kill Devil Hills, as Jensen had promised to Jared they would. They enjoyed the little Wright Brothers museum, and then Jared insisted on stopping at Nags Head as they headed south again. He wanted to visit Jockey's Ridge so that they could climb around on the giant dune. Jensen just about laughed himself into a coughing fit, watching Jared slide down part of it, stand up in a triumphant pose, and then realize how much sand had made its way into his shorts.

One afternoon, Jensen suggested that they check out the old Cape Hatteras lighthouse. There were at least a dozen other cars there when they arrived at the parking lot. The lighthouse had distinctive black and white stripes wrapping diagonally around it, and a plaque nearby explained how all the area lighthouses had their own black and white pattern to distinguish them. The winding black and white lighthouse made a stunning sight against the deep blue sky. 

Entering the lighthouse, Jared was struck by how small it seemed to be. The iron staircase wound up the interior of the tower, running alongside the wall. Periodically, the winding length would break at a landing with a small window. Other visitors were also climbing the stairs along with Jared and Jensen, with the occasional descending sight-seer passing them by. Jared felt larger and larger, like Gulliver, as they ascended.

Finally they reached the top, emerging onto the top deck into the fresh air. The view was stunning. Looking both north and south, the beach could be seen for miles. Jensen felt like they could just about see the whole island. They spent a lot of time up there, walking around the viewing deck and surveying the island from the different angles. Jared took lots of pictures, pulling at Jensen's arm to point out previously unnoticed features on the ground around them.

It was at the lighthouse that they really first got recognized as actors. No one had approached them so far, for which they were quite grateful. Either man would be the first to express gratitude for their luck and success, and the show that gave them that, but they were really enjoying the relative anonymity of this vacation. Some teenagers were at the lighthouse with a large family group, and they were doing a lot of looking at Jared and Jensen while whispering. The boys knew they'd have to own up. Sure enough, the kids cautiously approached, checking first for confirmation and then politely asking about pictures and autographs. Jensen and Jared obliged as they always did, with grace and warmth, joking with the teens and the parents alike before retreating to their Range Rover. 

In the evenings, they might go out to eat, as there were several restaurants in the area. Jared decided he was on the quest for the perfect crab cake, and ordered some in every restaurant they visited. Other evenings, they might cook. And by 'cook', they meant 'grill', that being the pinnacle of their joint cooking skills. Of course they bought burgers and steaks, but they also bought fresh fish, shrimp, and crabs. Shrimp and fish were available practically across the street at Carol's, an old gas station turned into a tiny shop for grilling and barbecuing supplies, sunscreen, water, soda, and snacks. The rest of the floor had several tables with long, plastic bins holding the various catches of the day. Any given day might see monk fish, shark, dolphinfish (NOT actual dolphins - Jared anxiously asked when he saw that scrawled on a bin!), and half a dozen other kinds of fish as well as pounds of shrimp. For crabs, Jensen and Jared discovered that THAT was what the amusingly named Dirty Dick's was all about. One could go eat there, but one could also simply buy crabs to bring home and prepare at home. The boys had dinner at Dirty Dick's one night, taking the opportunity to purchase t-shirts and hats with the Dirty Dick's logo - "I got my crabs from Dirty Dick's!". A couple of other times, they bought the live crabs and brought them back to the house. The house had an enormous stew pot in one cabinet, and they realized right away that was for boiling crabs in. Both men relished a dinner of fresh boiled crabs, cooked with lots of lemons and Old Bay, served with ice-cold beer and enjoyed on the deck in the cool evening air.

Another other restaurant they were compelled to sample was The Mad Crabber, a barn-like place with a gravel parking lot. Inside, the dining room was furnished with picnic tables covered with butcher paper and little baskets of crayons. Jared was never too grown-up to play with crayons, and Jensen snickered as Jared drew images of questionable morality and gave all the penises googly eyes. The waitress' eyes got round when she came over, but she immediately was trying to stifle her own snickers. They feasted on highly spiced shrimp, crab legs, crawfish, and french fries, with the seafood all arriving in a huge bushel and getting dumped onto the table for them to plow through. More ice-cold beer, and a few shots along the way, and the two large men were replete, happy to stroll out into the night air and head back to the house.

Jensen was constantly aware of Jared's proximity, whether they were walking on the beach, swimming in the strong surf, or sitting with some drinks on the deck. Never had Jared looked so good - hair blowing around in the brisk sea breeze, skin darker and tanner every day, a wide smile constantly adorning his handsome face. Jensen wondered if he'd eventually get used to being hard so much of the time, and grimly tried to limit himself to one short jerk-off session a day while he was in the shower. It didn't help that Jared was so tactile, which Jensen already knew about, but the degree of it was surprising. Jared was a hugger, and if he wasn't hugging Jensen, he was squeezing his arm, thumping his shoulder or his back, even tackling him when they were on the sand or in the water. Jensen loved it - oh lord, did he love it - but it was killing him at the same time. The only thing that saved his dignity when they got out of the ocean was the cold temperature of the surf . . . otherwise his wet swimsuit would have been unable to conceal his reactions to Jared's touch.

They talked so much during those lazy mornings and late nights lounging on the deck, sharing both the silly and the serious with each other. Jensen wanted so much to tell Jared about being gay - it was clear that Jared wouldn't have a problem with a gay best friend, but the fact that Jensen wanted to be more than friends held him back. Jared talked about Sandy, how he was glad now that they'd split as he realized it wouldn't have worked out in the end. He talked about Genevieve, how they were better as friends now, although he casually mentioned they had had sex occasionally, just as fuckbuddies. That threw Jensen - he knew they'd become close friends, but not about the casual sex part. Jared seemed to pick up on Jensen's distraction and dropped the subject.

Jensen didn't care so much that Jared and Gen had fucked, or were fucking. He just didn't know where that might leave him, if he were to approach Jared. Jared had never mentioned any experience with men, but - to be honest - neither had Jensen. He couldn't really expect Jared to volunteer information that Jensen himself was keeping on the serious downlow. Unfortunately, it left everything between them ambiguous. Jensen finally decided that he had to find out for sure about Jared's orientation, and then he could decide about what action to take afterward. He needed to know that much first, if there was any hope for something happening between them.

Because, god in heaven, it felt so much like there was something happening between them. Jared's touchy-feely manner, his constant smiles and attention to Jensen - if Jared were a woman, Jensen would have had no doubt about her intentions. The only thing keeping Jensen back from making a move of his own was his uncertainty about Jared being bisexual or not. Jensen knew Jared's sexual relationship with Sandy and Genevieve had all been heartfelt, so his only hope was that Jared liked men as well. 

Jensen bolstered his courage with alcohol, presenting Jared with a bottle of mescal one night. "Dude! Wow, I haven't had mescal since last time I was in San Antonio!" Jared exclaimed with a pleased smile. They selected crab-adorned shot glasses for the night, poured the seasoned salt into a small dish, cut up some lemons, and set up the first round. Jensen felt the warm glow of the liquor slide down his throat - a feeling akin to tequila, but with a flavor all its own. Jared looked to be similarly enjoying his shot. His beautiful cat's eyes opened and fastened on Jensen, the deep dimples showing as Jared grinned widely. "Excellent! Thanks, Jen, this is terrific!"

Jensen grinned back. "No problemo, that's what I'm here for!" The men laughed and had a second drink, savoring it as they had the first. "C'mon, Jay, let's take this out on the deck. The breeze looks pretty quiet tonight." Jensen suggested. They collected the glasses, bottle, lemon slices, and salt dish and moved outside, settling on two of the Adirondacks after pulling them close together. Jared's hair was tousled from the day's activities, and a little bit of pink sunburn warmed the skin under his eyes and on the bridge of his nose. His teeth gleamed white in the twilight as he arranged his long limbs comfortably. Jensen wanted to capture this moment and save it - save this beautiful image of Jared, before any potential strife or disagreement could mar it, here in this place that would always be so special to Jensen now. Jared looked at Jensen, laughing at Jensen's soft smile and serious mien. He brandished his shot glass and grabbed Jensen's as well, refilling them and waiting for Jensen to clink and toast with him.

The evening passed delightfully, the delicious liquor putting both men into a relaxed, open mood. Jared told a couple of ribald tales of girlfriends past, and was now describing the time he had sex in a producer's L.A. cabana during a pool party. Jensen was laughing, but inside he was also feeling less and less sure of revealing his feelings to Jared. All the funny, sexy stories that Jared had shared were all with girls, no hint of any attraction to men. Jensen almost felt like crying, but instead he steeled himself and had another drink. This was it, truth time once and for all - he was finally going to get the ball - or balls - rolling.

"So, Jare, I gotta question for you." Jared nodded at Jensen, giving him the go-ahead. "You fucked at the studio, you and Sandy fucked in a fancy restaurant bathroom in Paris, you fucked during a producer's pool party. You were with two girls in a ménage à trois. You even fucked your old babysitter when you visited San Antonio, and she was still as hot as when you were a kid." Jared blushed at Jensen's summation, but laughed nonetheless. Jensen kept smiling, but took a steadying breath before he asked the big one. "Have you ever fooled around with a guy?"

Jared froze for a moment, his eyes wide and fixed on Jensen's. Jensen felt a moment of terror - did he go too far? Is this when Texas home-boy was going to punch him out, or stalk away offended? He remained still, watching Jared's face slowly relax and his eyes finally drop down. Jared cleared his throat, poured himself a drink, and shot it down without waiting. After the slight shudder from the alcohol, Jared looked back up at Jensen with a clear gaze.

"Yeah, dude, I have. Kissed. Sucked. Fucked. It's not common knowledge, but I'm bisexual, Jensen. Dicks and pussies - like 'em both." Now Jensen felt frozen, every joint and muscle of his body locked. He couldn't speak, could only stare at Jared as the words fell from Jared's lips. "I figured it out in high school, but I didn't fool around with guys while I was still in Texas. San Antonio is a little more progressive, as Texas goes, but I didn't care to test how far that went. Once I got to L.A. though, I figured hey - if you're gonna explore your sexuality anywhere, L.A. is the place to do it, right? Mostly it was just some pick-ups in clubs, I wasn't ready to be out. No actual boyfriends, it's been women for the relationships, but men - damn, I do love sex with men. And I've been IN love with men, just didn't really go there, like I said." Jared took a long swig from his beer, pausing a moment to look out at the crashing water, then looking back at Jensen. "I hope this doesn't change anything between us, Jensen. You're a hell of a guy, and I love and trust you, but you're from Texas too and that could make things difficult, depending on where you're at. What's it going to be, Jen? Are we good?"


	3. Chapter 3

Jensen felt his body unlock, but it took him a minute to get his voice working. "Jare . . . *cough* Jared, we're good." Jensen ran his hand over his face, surreptitiously wiping moisture from his eyes. "There isn't anything you could tell me that would affect how I feel about you, man, 'cept maybe that you became a fuckin' Justin Bieber fan." Both men laughed. Jensen got up and moved to Jared, pulling him up for a hug. "Thank you for trusting me, dude. That means the fuckin' world to me." He hugged Jared tightly, wrapping both arms around that sturdy body and closing his eyes as he reveled at the warmth of Jared's embrace. They stood there for a little bit, both men lost in the love from the other, sharing a moment of total peace and sharing in the cool night air.

Jared broke the hug first, pulling his arms back and shifting his weight, but he was surprised when Jensen caught him, keeping him close. Jared looked into Jensen's eyes, all black in the moonlight, and was taken aback by the desperation he saw there. "Jensen . . . ?" he asked quietly. "Jen, you okay?" He raised a hand and laid it on the side of Jensen's face, seeking to relax the tension in his expression. 

The feel of Jared's palm on his face - cool, slightly callused - broke Jensen's trance. He reached up, gently grabbed Jared's face with both hands, and pulled him in for a kiss. Jensen's eyes closed as their lips touched, his entire focus on how Jared's mouth felt against his. Lips so soft, so warm, tasting of beer and mescal - Jensen was awash in sensation. He wanted to kiss and kiss and keep on kissing, but reason kicked in and made Jensen release Jared, stepping back. His eyes opened, looking anxiously at Jared to gauge his reaction. It was huge that Jared did in fact like men, but that didn't necessarily mean that he liked Jensen that way. 

Jared was totally shocked by Jensen's bold move. One minute, he'd been concerned about Jensen's well-being, the next he was being pulled down to Jensen's mouth. And holy hell, that mouth! It was every bit as soft and enticing as it looked. Jared would have been happy to keep kissing that sexy mouth all night, but then Jensen was pulling away and looking anxiously at Jared, probably hoping he hadn't just driven Jared away.

"Jare."

"Jense." They spoke simultaneously, then laughed. 

"Jared - I'm sorry for just grabbing you like that. The thing is - I'm, uh, I'm . . . oh, fuck. I'm kind of in love with you. Like, mushy, sappy, horny love. And I was scared to tell you, because I didn't think you liked guys, but then you said you do, so I thought I'd . . . that I'd go for it. So, I did. And I hope you don't wanna punch my face in now, because that was about the best kiss I ever had. So . . . say something now, Jared, please, because I'm just swinging in the breeze here!" Jensen's eyes darted around Jared's face, belying his nervousness, as his hands gripped Jared's shoulders.

Jared laughed, then cut it off when he saw Jensen's eyes widen in dismay. "Aw, Jen, no!! I'm not laughing at you. I'm just feeling kinda giddy, because seriously? I'm crazy about you! Damn, you don't even know - ever since Sandy, Jen, it's been you. I didn't even realize how much, but then Gen helped me figure out what I was feeling. You never talk about dating anyone, so I just didn't know where you were at. Hallelujah for this evening, because you are it for me. I love you, Jen, I love you too." Jared's mile-wide grin beamed at Jensen, his face suffused with love and happiness.

The tension Jensen's body was holding evaporated, leaving him limp and dazed as he continued clutching Jared. He hugged Jared tightly again, deeply grateful for the chance to be with this man. All the hugs they'd shared in the past couldn't compare to this one, the first hug shared as lovers and not just friends. Jensen turned his head and buried his face in Jared's neck, feeling hopelessly like a teenage girl, yet relishing the opportunity to turn to his lover, share his lover's strength. Jared felt warm and sturdy, anchoring Jensen to him with a strong embrace and sweet words. He laughed, choking on his emotion for a moment, and Jared's arms just held him and kept him safe, safe and loved.

After several long minutes, both men pulled away a bit, looking at each other's faces to see where they were at. Jensen felt relaxed and happy, but also exhausted, all the tension and fear ebbing away and leaving him empty. He'd always envisioned his declaration of love to Jared being followed by passionate lovemaking, but now he just wanted to cuddle with Jared. He spoke to Jared in a slightly sheepish way, "I'm really tired, Jared, do you think we could just go to bed and hold each other? God knows I want us to do more than that, but I just feel really drained right now. Can we wait until tomorrow for anything more? Is that okay?"

"Of course, babe, that's absolutely okay. I plan to be with you for a really long time, so I think we'll have plenty of time for hot monkey sex." Jared winked. "Let's go snuggle up in our giant bed downstairs - we'll fall asleep listening to the waves and dream of each other."

They blew out the candles, brought the bottle and dishes inside, and went downstairs together. Taking turns with their nightly ablutions, they both crawled into bed in their boxers. Neither felt quite comfortable about being naked yet with sex on the horizon. Jared was the big spoon, curled up behind Jensen, one arm bent under his own head and the other wrapped around Jensen's waist. Jensen wondered a moment if he would be able to sleep like that, Jared's soft breath on his neck, Jared's body curled around his, but then he was asleep before a second thought.

 

* * * * * * *

 

The next morning wasn't awkward at all, as Jensen had feared it might be when he first awoke. They shared sleepy, warm kisses, their hands stroking skin softly as lips and tongues met and gently explored. They chuckled over their morning wood, but opted to clean up, have breakfast, and talk a little about where they were with last night's confessions, before taking it to a more physical plane. Separate showers were followed by coffee and breakfast together on the deck, as so many of their meals were taken. Soft looks and light touches were made to each other's hands and bodies as they moved around, and finally their feet tangled together under the picnic table as they ate sweet rolls, scrambled eggs and bacon. Sipping fresh cups of coffee, they sat in the Adirondacks doing their morning bird & surf watch and talking.

Jared had a question for Jensen. "I have to confess how surprised I am, Jen. I had no idea that you were gay. Are you bi? I've seen you date casually, but I've never seen you with any serious girlfriends, but definitely no boyfriends either. I always assumed you were just really private, but I'd like to know more now that we're like . . .this." Jared waggled his fingers between the two of them. He watched Jensen, seeing how Jensen struggled inside himself to answer Jared's questions.

"I'm gay, Jared. Totally, 100% gay. Any dating you've seen was just for show - I have no interest in women for love or sex. I haven't really dated much as far as men, though, because I'm not out and I don't plan on coming out. There's been sex, sure, but it's been random hook-ups and club sex, nothing of a truly personal or intimate nature. Only a couple of my friends know - Chris, Steve, Jason, that's it. Misha knows, and he gave me a fucking heart attack when he told me that he knew. He just figured it out somehow, he's fucking uncanny sometimes, you know? I gotta to say that he's been very respectful of my privacy, though, and he's totally kept quiet about it. A couple of times I thought Eric figured it out - you know how he has those really penetrating stares? But if he has, he's never said boo to me about it." 

Jensen paused to sip coffee and then clear his throat, nerves tensing as he continued. "My family doesn't know, and I have every intention of keeping it that way. They're dyed-in-the-wool religious conservatives, and I know from the past that they won't tolerate a homosexual in the family. So here I am, buried in the back of the closet, and I'm sorry I'm not better goods for you in that regard, Jared. I hope it's okay - that I'm okay for you, because you deserve the best, and I'm afraid I'm far from that."

Jensen took another long sip of coffee, hoping to hide how nervous he was about exposing himself like this. Jared reached over and laid one large hand over Jensen's, squeezing and then simply holding on. "I really didn't pick up on you being gay, but selfishly, of course, I couldn't be happier about it." Jared grinned and winked at Jensen, making him smile. "I guess now we know where we are, and we'll just go from here. We don't have to figure everything out in a day - we can just take our time, make that transition from playing brothers to being boyfriends, right? I want to do everything we can, or as much as you want to do, together. I wanna eat with you, goof around with you, and work with you. And I want very, very much, Jensen, to make love with you, because you are gorgeous and fucking sexy, and I love you! You are just too hot for me to resist!!" And with that, Jared got up from his side of the table and came around to Jensen's, grabbing Jensen and pulling him up from the bench before bending to kiss him vigorously. Jensen gasped at Jared's aggressive move, and Jared took advantage of Jensen's mouth opening in the kiss, thrusting his tongue between Jensen's lips. Jared stroked and licked at Jensen's mouth, sliding against Jensen's tongue in an utterly delicious way.

Jensen simply grabbed hold of Jared and hung on, kissing back for all he was worth. He needed to feel as much of Jared's body against his as he could, so he pressed as close as possible, pushing his chest against the other man's and bringing a thigh between Jared's legs. He was rewarded by feeling a long, hard shape outlined against his leg, while Jared moaned in their heated kiss. Jared dropped one large palm to Jensen's ass and squeezed, crushing Jensen's crotch into Jared's leg. Jensen got hard so fast he was dizzy for a second, but then he started rutting back against Jared while his hands slid up and down Jared's heavily muscled back. Jared broke the kiss with a gasp, looking at Jensen with dilated pupils and red lips. "I think we better take this downstairs, or we're going to give the seagulls quite a show," he said, his voice husky. Jensen nodded breathlessly and pivoted, pulling Jared after him as he made a beeline for the stairs.

They made it down the stairs without breaking any limbs, then followed a cockeyed path to their bedroom, as they couldn't stop kissing to walk properly. Hands stroked wherever they could reach, then turned to unbuttoning shirts and pushing them off. Jensen had seen Jared undressed so many times, and he'd always enjoyed the sight, but now? He was overwhelmed with how truly hot Jared was, and how all that hotness was RIGHTHERE in front of him now. It was there for him to look at, to kiss, to touch, and Jensen fervently thanked whatever god had seen fit to make this so. He started kissing those perfectly formed pecs, licking them, running his fingers over them. He nuzzled his nose in the curly chest hair over Jared's sternum. He had to explore the soft, dark hair centered around Jared's nipples, and then Jensen needed to get his mouth on the nipples themselves, licking and sucking the small, hard bumps. He heard a little moan and lifted his head to see Jared's eyes in a half-lidded gaze. Jensen smirked. "Oh, ya like that, do ya?" This time he watched Jared as he sucked on a nipple, and, sure enough, Jared's eyes closed and he moaned again. Jensen thrilled to Jared's responsiveness. "Oh, baby, we are gonna have such a good time, love you so much" murmured Jensen, mouthing at the other nipple. He was having a lot fun playing with Jared's nipples and teasing him, but then Jensen's hands decided to move to Jared's ass and start rubbing and squeezing there.

Jared shook himself out of the trance Jensen's nipple play had put him in, and started some playing of his own. He was running his hands up and down Jensen's back, enjoying the feel of the muscles there, and then he slipped his fingers down the back of Jensen's sweatpants. The elastic waist was forgiving enough that he was able to slide his hands inside and cup each cheek. He rubbed and squeezed them, loving how Jensen's ass fitted into his palms, pulling Jensen more tightly to his own, needy groin. One hand slid into the cleft of Jensen's ass, a long finger rubbing up and down the length of it, teasing Jensen by avoiding the spot he wanted touched most. Jared's other hand came out of the sweatpants and threaded into Jensen's hair, pinning Jensen heatedly against him. Jared pulled Jensen's head back to his face and kissed him forcefully, mouth wide and hungry, tongue pushing in, as if he was overcome with an urgent need to taste Jensen as deeply as he could. Jared wanted everything from Jensen as much as he wanted to give everything he had to Jensen.

All of last night's hesitancy and fatigue was swept away by today's urgent desire. Jensen just wanted to do everything and do it all right now. He wanted to kiss Jared's entire body, touch his beautiful skin all over, and have Jared bury his dick deep inside Jensen's ass. Jensen really liked the idea of having his dick in Jared's ass as well, but they had to start somewhere, and Jensen greedily looked forward to bottoming for their first time. Right this minute, he could feel the big, hard ridge of Jared's cock pushing against through both of their sweatpants, and that was simply not going to cut it at all. Without disturbing Jared's hand on his ass, Jensen pushed the elastic waist of his sweats down, baring his ass as well as freeing his cock. It bounced and twitched at its release, the tip already oozing pearls of pre-come. Jared gasped as he felt Jensen's naked cock pressing against his groin, and he immediately pulled away to strip his own pants off as well. Jensen whimpered as Jared's dick popped free from the clothing, the heavy weight of it promptly rubbing against Jensen's own cock. Both men moaned in unison, reveling in the electric sensation of their dicks in contact. Jared grasped Jensen's cock, holding it alongside his own and stroking them in unison, his grip slick with pre-come from both men. Jensen held on to Jared, the pleasure of Jared's tight grip on his dick so strong it made him a little woozy. Besides, apparently all the blood in his body was now in his cock, so things like mental functioning were severely compromised. Jensen tugged on Jared, urgently indicating the bed. Jared released his dick and they fell onto the bed, resuming their ardent kissing while they got their eager bodies as close together as possible. Legs intertwined, they skimmed each other's skin with tender strokes, and their dicks pressed hard against each other as their hips were grinding.

"Fuck . . ." Jensen gasped, body tingling from all the delicious skin contact with Jared. "I knew you were a big motherfucker, but damn! That's a fucking cannon! How'd you fit that monster into those poor girls?"

Jared laughed huskily. "Same way I'm gonna fit it inside you, dude. Slowly and with lots of lube. Then you're gonna love it, I promise."

Jensen shivered. He couldn't wait to feel that gorgeous cock inside him. He ran his hand down Jared's body and started slowly jerking him, relishing the feel of the smooth, hot skin over the hard core of Jared's dick. Jensen loved the groan that his firm strokes elicited from Jared. "Oh, God, not too much, Jen, I'm ready to pop like cheap champagne. Damn, your touch is just . . . oh, killing me here! Do we have any . . ."

Jensen took his hand off Jared and half-rolled away, pawing hurriedly at his duffel on the floor. He tossed a bottle of lube and a strip of condoms onto the bed. "Don't leave home without 'em." Jensen quipped, winking at Jared. Jared whooped and grabbed the lube, squeezing a good-sized dollop onto his fingers. He slid back to lean against the headboard, then gestured for Jensen to come closer. Jensen moved up and threw his leg over Jared's hips, straddling him while holding onto the headboard. With his unlubed hand, Jared pulled Jensen's head down and resumed kissing him, while his lubed hand reached between Jensen's legs and began to firmly rub his hole. Jensen's cock jerked as Jared's fingers circled and rubbed, easing his hole so he could slip a finger inside. Jared's finger nudged until it gently breached Jensen's entrance, then pushed against the inner ring of muscle.

Jensen was hard-pressed to stay still and let Jared prep him. It felt all kinds of wonderful, but he was dying to feel Jared inside him, and he wanted to just thrust down right away. Jared sensed his eagerness and slid his other hand down under Jensen's thigh, making it impossible for Jensen to force himself onto Jared's fingers. The first long finger was all the way inside now, circling around, sliding in and out, stretching Jensen's tight channel. Jensen felt so good just from the rhythmic, steady finger fucking, he wondered if Jared's dick actually fucking him was going to kill him with pleasure. Jared started chuckling, and Jensen's eyes popped open in embarrassment. "Shit, did I say that out loud?" Jared nodded with a huge grin, and Jensen laughed sheepishly. "Seriously, dude, you already feel so incredible, you making ME feel so incredible. I don't know if I can even last until the main event!"

"Don't worry about it, it doesn't matter. If you don't last this time, we'll just make love again. And again and again and again . . ." Jared broke off, kissing Jensen's chest and flicking his tongue over Jensen's nipples. Jensen gasped, his hips bucking. A second finger nudged alongside the first, sliding up into Jensen and making him wriggle as the fingers scissored and rubbed inside his channel. 

"Oh, god, Jared, do it. I'm fine, I'm ready." Jensen couldn't help the needy whine in his voice. He desperately needed to be joined with Jared, needed to feel that fine dick inside him right the fuck now.

"You're ready when I say you're ready, you pushy little bottom. Don't tell me that you're not going to be all toppy with me when we switch, so hush up now." Jared ordered, his tone mitigated by the passionate kiss that followed. "Baby, you haven't done this in a while, right? And I'm not the smallest cucumber in the garden, so just relax and let me get you ready."

Jensen snorted as an image of Jared and a naughty cucumber flashed into his head, but then he yelped as a third finger joined the party in his ass. Fuck!!! Jared was right, it had been a while for Jensen, and even then it hadn't been Jensen bottoming. He wanted to bottom for Jared, wanted that big, fat cock parked right in his ass, no question. For the pick-ups and hook-ups that made up Jensen's previous sex life, though, he usually didn't allow himself to be that vulnerable. So, yeah, he was tight alright, but holy hell was he loving being in this bed with this man.

Jared had been flexing his hips while he was stretching Jensen, rubbing the large, mushroom head of his cock up and down Jensen's ass. The trail was wet from Jared's cock leaking, the fluid letting the plump cockhead slide easily against Jensen's smooth cheeks. Jared slowly removed his fingers from Jensen and grabbed one of the condoms. He unrolled it onto his cock and pulled Jensen more fully onto his knees, one hand rolling and tugging Jensen's balls as he did so. Jensen whined, looking pleadingly at Jared. He needed Jared so badly, was absolutely aching for Jared to finally push inside him. Jared kissed Jensen deeply again and used one hand to guide him into over Jared's dick, letting him start to carefully settle down. "Slowly, babe, it's not a race. You get to ride this horse anytime you want. Don't wanna hurt you, just wanna make you feel so fucking good. Love you, Jen, love us here like this." 

Jensen's stilled as all of his attention focused on his hungry hole and Jared's thick cock slowly entering him. It hurt a little, even with Jared's careful prep, but Jensen knew that the pain would be short-lived. He breathed deeply, feeling every millimeter of Jared's dick sliding against his own sensitive tissues. Oh god, so full . . . so full, and not all in yet. Jensen was breathing through his teeth now, eyes closed, conscious of Jared's hand gripping his hip firmly, grounding him. Jensen paused in his slow descent, thighs quivering, his body feeling like it was splitting on Jared's swollen cock. He took a deep breath and pushed down hard at the last bit, crying out as he fully impaled himself. Jared echoed his cry, grabbing the back of Jensen's neck to pull his face in, attacking his mouth. Jensen let go of the headboard and seized Jared's shoulders, returning his fervent kisses as he let his body adjust to the intrusion of Jared's cock.

Jensen broke the kiss and breathed shallowly as he began to move, reveling in how stuffed full his ass felt. He circled his hips first, and pulled up just a little and down, the amazing friction making his breath hitch. Both men moaned with pleasure. Jared was now as gobsmacked as Jensen, reeling with the intense heat and tightness that his dick felt, fully surrounded by Jensen's fantastic, hot ass. He made himself stay still, though, letting Jensen call the shots for now. He slid his hands over Jensen's body, tweaking and pinching his nipples, rubbing his belly and scratching his fingers through Jensen's happy trail and pubic hair. Jared watched Jensen's cock bob as he moved up and down, wagging stiffly, drools of pre-come smearing on Jared's belly. Jared wanted to lick that bobbing, wet cock, but settled for running his finger over the wet slit, making it jerk, and then sucking on his finger. Oh yeah, he wanted to get used to this, Jared thought ecstatically, running his tongue over his finger and savoring Jensen's salty flavor.

Jensen felt well-seated on Jared's cock now, still feeling every inch but now adjusted to the solid girth. He rose up Jared's whole length and then slid all the way back down, feeling the full effect of that huge dick moving inside him. God, he was so full, he didn't think anyone had ever filled him up like this. His head dropped back as he lost himself in the pure erotic thrill of being fucked by Jared. He could feel Jared playing with his nipples and rubbing his body, making his entire skin tingle, inciting more and more pleasure and excitement in Jensen. He looked at Jared and his breath caught at the look in Jared's eyes - so lustful, but also so loving. The multi-hued eyes glittered as Jared's mouth puffed with his heavy breathing, his tongue licking those pink lips. Jensen felt his heart swelling with love and passion as he watched his lover, never having had so much emotion for a man during sex before. The true blending of emotional and physical bliss had his mind swimming.

The head of his dick was rubbing a slick patch onto Jared's belly, and Jensen craved more friction on it. He picked up Jared's hand and put it on his cock with a little squeeze. Jared immediately held it tightly and began to jerk him rhythmically as Jensen kept riding him. Jensen's fervor increased with Jared's stroking, and he started fucking Jared harder - rising up and then dropping down with a solid smack. The force of his movements made his arousal spike, Jared's dick hitting Jensen's prostate squarely with each forceful descent. Jensen responded with little grunts of pleasure as he circled his hips, grinding into Jared as he rode his lover.

Jared was panting, one hand jacking Jensen, the other holding tightly on Jensen's hip. He made Jensen stop riding, holding him steady at half-mast, and then started fucking up into Jensen's ass. Jensen whined, frustrated at stopping for a second, but then loving how Jared was fucking him now. Jared was nothing but muscle, and his hips were powerful, flexing forcefully up into Jensen's body. The two men moved in sync, Jensen rocking and circling his hips as he writhed on Jared's dick, Jared fucking up hard into Jensen, like they'd done this a million times before. They both thought they were going to lose their minds, everything felt so incredible. Jensen's dick was hard as a rock inside Jared's slick hand, while Jared couldn't get enough of driving his rigid cock into Jensen's slick heat. Their eyes were locked together, chests moving fast, hips moving faster, hearts pounding in exertion and exhilaration.

Jensen came first, crying out in ecstasy as Jared's thumb swiped over the sensitive slit of his cock and threw him over the edge. Eyes squeezed shut, face grimacing, Jensen clung to Jared as a wave of pleasure ripped through him. White fluid spurted in streaks and droplets over Jared's chest and belly, as Jensen's cock emptied itself in pulsing release. Jared came yelling on the heels of Jensen's crescendo, the contractions of Jensen's ass squeezing Jared's own orgasm from him with wrenching delight. He keened as he shot into the condom, cock locked tightly into Jensen's body, hands gripping frantically onto Jensen's hips.

Jensen collapsed onto Jared, boneless and euphoric. Jared tenderly wrapped his arms around him, still faintly panting, content to be holding his lover close to him. He rolled them to lie on their sides - Jensen was a big man to have lying on top - and they lay there, sweaty, utterly blissed out, happy to simply be in each other's arms. Jared slowly pulled out, removing the condom and tossing it into the trash can. They lay there relaxed and beatific, occasionally murmuring loving words, slowly dozing off in each other's arms.


	4. Chapter 4

Jensen pulled out his cell just to check if it was really dead, and not just his imagination malfunctioning in the heat and sun. Screen – still cracked across. No display showing at all, no matter how much he squinted at it in the bright, desert light. Hit the voicemail button – nothing, not a peep. Yeah, it was a goner, all right. He guessed that throwing it at the rocky ground really hadn't been a good idea. Somehow, after four hours of walking in the sun, it hadn't seemed to matter then that his phone would break.

But it mattered a hell of a lot now. Like … everything. It was everything, and his fucking piece of crap phone was fucking dead. Jensen shouldn't even give a good goddamn … except that he did. He did give a goddamn. He gave ALL the goddamns, every single last one of them. All these moments in his life were rapidly adding up, and the total came to just one answer: Jared.

He needed to talk to Jared. He needed to call Jared and just . . . talk to him. Hear Jared's voice, the way it curled into Jensen's head and spread out inside his body, the deep vibrations making his heart beat to a different rhythm. His body needed to hear that rhythm, it was all off kilter and that sound was the only thing that would make things okay again. Jensen knew that he wouldn't be lucky enough to hear an actual laugh, but that was alright. As long as he could just hear that voice for just a few moments.

If Jared would even concede to talk with Jensen. Oh, please . . . please let him agree . . . 

Except that . . . Jensen's phone was broken, and he was sitting in a fucking desert.

 

* * * * * * *

 

The rest of their North Carolina vacation was just as fun as the first part, but with the added bonus of the best sex either man had ever enjoyed. They switched it up - both of them liked topping and bottoming, and it felt good either way. Invite your lover to enter your body? Best gift ever. Fuck hard into your boyfriend and bring him overwhelming pleasure? Yessir, and twice on Sunday. They both loved blowing each other, worshiping the other man's cock, giving ecstasy with mouth and hand. Jerking each other off in the ocean, fucking in the shower, even late night sex on the deck under cover of darkness. Jensen drew the line at making love on the beach, despite Jared's pleas. There were places he just didn't want to find sand, and Jared agreed in the end. They tried morning sex, nighttime sex, afternoon siesta sex. They still had the walks, the swims, the outings, the time spent vegging out on the deck. They just spent a lot of time naked and sweaty as well.

It wasn't just the sex, though. As close as they had been before, as well as they'd known each other, moving to a more intimate relationship opened new areas to explore. They shared thoughts and dreams with each other that they'd never dared to share with anyone else. Jared marveled that he had felt ready to marry Sandy, when he hadn't been half as open with her as he was now with Jensen. He laid himself bare before his lover - every thought, every hope, laid out like a buffet. Whatever he hadn't shared yet was only from a lack of time or opportunity, and Jared felt relaxed and safe knowing that he could continue building this kind of communication with Jensen indefinitely. Jared's natural good spirits escalated into a sense of happiness that pervaded his entire being.

Jensen was happier than he'd ever been as well. He felt comfortable in his own skin for the first time ever. He was with his favorite person - Jared. They talked easily. They had a lot of fun together. They had amazing sex, the love they felt amping up the purely physical enjoyment. He'd never pictured himself actually being in a relationship with anyone, and the comfort and ease of it was euphoric. He was utterly content, and he would have been happy to stay with Jared in that beach house on stilts forever.

But, of course, they couldn't stay there forever. After their Outer Banks time was over, they each had family visits in Texas to make, and then soon after that, Supernatural would resume filming. They didn't anticipate any problems with things on the Vancouver end, as they decided to move in together as soon as they returned to Canada. Jared invited Jensen to move in to his house, and Jensen promptly accepted. They couldn't stand the thought of not waking up together every day, or not going to bed together every night. They'd have to deal with it over the rest of their vacation time, but it was easier with knowing that Vancouver would mean home. That was the easiest decision they had to deal with, and the first thing they settled as a couple.

It got a little harder after that.

Harder as in they had The Discussion. A discussion that Jensen would happily have done without. One that he feared, but which his fearless lover blithely sailed into.

Jared suggested that they come out together.

Jensen stared at him blankly.

It was their first fight. The line was pretty clearly drawn - Jared wanted them to consider coming out together, so that they wouldn't have to hide and dissemble at all. 

Jensen bluntly refused. Refused to do it; refused to talk about doing it; refused to even think about doing it.

Jared was puzzled and a little hurt by Jensen's hard stance. Jensen softened his demeanor, but not his position. He wouldn't get into why or why not, it was just a no. End of discussion.

Jared took a walk on the beach alone in the evening dusk. Jensen sat on the deck, slouched in one of the Adirondack loungers, holding himself very, very still. He felt that If he didn't disturb things any more than they were, perhaps Jared would return from his walk reconciled to Jensen's stand, and then they'd be just fine. Jensen looked at the rising moon and prayed for that to be the case. He really didn't know what would happen if Jared turned out to be as immutable about this as Jensen was.

Jensen saw Jared returning, watched him walk down the beach in the moonlight. Jared came up to the deck, using the outside staircase. He walked over to Jensen, dropping down to his knees and burying his head in Jensen's lap. "I love you," he said, slightly muffled by Jensen's jeans. "That's all that matters to me. I love you." Jensen could feel the tears soaking through his jeans, and he grabbed Jared's head, lifting it up and kissing him.

"I love you too, baby, so much. So much. We'll be okay, I promise. I promise, darlin'."

 

* * * * * * *

 

A few more days passed, and then the boys realized their vacation was close to the end. They decided to go visit the neighboring island of Ocracoke. Ocracoke was only accessible by ferry, so it would be most of a day to go there, explore, and return. An hour or so's drive brought them to the ferry landing, where they waited in line with other day-trippers and then drove the Range Rover onto the ferry itself. Once the vehicle was parked and secured, they were free to walk around the ferry as it slowly chugged its way to the other island. It was a good hour plus to get there, so Jared and Jensen stood outside, enjoying the gorgeous day and watching the various birds.

Arriving at the Ocracoke dock, they filed off the boat and drove into the small town. There were many boats docked in a marina, as well as some restaurants and various shops. The island felt old, with lots of huge trees with low limbs, heavy with foliage. Crushed shell paths wound around little cemeteries with stone markers obliterated by erosion. The houses were quaint - simply styled, brightly painted, with wrap-around porches that invited having lemonade sipped on them.

The first objective was food, and they had a delightful lunch at a restaurant near the marina, so they could watch the boats. They walked around the town, pausing at windows and sometimes entering to browse. More small gifts were bought to send to Texas and bring to Canada.

One shop had a section of interesting jewelry, and Jensen paused to look it over. There were a number of pieces comprised of two or three metals used together, and he found those very attractive. He lingered over an open cuff bracelet, admiring the silver and copper combination, the narrow bands of the metal, and the graceful, simple curving design of the cuff. He looked over at Jared, who was examining some pottery, and then gestured to the shop attendant.

"Do you have another of these? I'd really like a pair."

"These are all individually made, so I don't know if I can give you an exact match, but I'm sure I can get one very similar. Let me check, just a moment, please." She bent to pull a tray out from underneath the display. An assortment of the mixed-metal pieces rested there - rings, torqs, and some more styles of cuffs. They looked through the cuffs and found a near match - silver and copper, with a simple curve. Jensen bought both, placing his finger to his lips as she rang it up. The clerk smiled, flicking her eyes to Jared and back to Jensen. Jensen nodded, and they smiled at each other as the transaction was concluded. Jensen went over to Jared, who had abandoned the pottery for some shell mobiles, and kissed him on his ear. Jared looked at Jensen with surprise over the PDA, and Jensen just shrugged. He nudged Jared's shoulder and headed for the door, Jared following as he nattered about getting some ice cream.

Ice cream was consumed, and then it was time to head back to the ferry. Both men were comfortably fatigued, and looked forward to an evening's relaxing on the deck, followed by some slow, sweet lovemaking, orchestrated by the surf.

The last night at their beach house arrived, meaning a day spent packing and hunting down missing belongings. "Jensen!!" Jared yelled from the lower deck. "Have you seen my board shorts? The orange and blue ones? And my sunglasses? The good ones, not the ones with the bent arm?"

Jensen sighed. "No, no, I haven't! Look inside the outdoor shower, you were all sandy the other day and rinsed off outside." Thumping footsteps were followed by a cry of victory. Jensen smiled to himself. Jared was tall, strong, handsome, and sexy as hell. He was also twelve years old sometimes, a big puppy, disorganized, and sexy as hell.

Jared bounded into their bedroom. "Two weeks, dude, who'da thought you could lose stuff in two weeks?"

Jensen snorted. "Dude, you could lose things in two DAYS!" He smacked Jared in his stomach and laughed at Jared's mock distress. Jared pounced on Jensen and threw him onto the bed. "No no no!!!! We can't fuck now, we gotta get ready! We have to check out and hit the road by 9 a.m. to get to Norfolk and catch our flight! Stop, Jared, get your hand off my dick, you horndog!!" And then he collapsed laughing, realizing how ridiculous he sounded scolding Jared for grabbing him. They rolled on the bed laughing together, and then Jensen caught his breath at how gorgeous Jared was and started kissing him. Jared still had a grip on Jensen's dick, it turned out, and things just went from there . . .

Late that night, the duffel bags were packed and loaded into the Range Rover. Traveling clothes and toiletries were laid out for the morning. They had a sketchy dinner of various leftovers, and now were enjoying the last night of star-gazing over one last bottle of wine. Jared was reclined on a lounge, Jensen lying between his legs and leaning against his chest. Periodically Jared would turn his head and nuzzle into Jensen's hair, breathing his scent in as Jensen listened to Jared's heartbeat. 

" 'M gonna miss this so much." Jared murmured. " S'beautiful here. Ocean. Stars. Everything. And it's always going to be the place we became lovers. Always going to mean so much just because of that, Jen. Our special place."

Jensen nodded, feeling his throat close up a little. He cleared it and said, "You're absolutely right, Jay. I never dreamed that this would happen when we first planned to come here, but I'm damn happy it did." He turned and kissed Jared gently. "It's been amazing, and I know we both hate to leave. So . . ." and here Jensen paused and reached into his hoodie pocket. "So, I got something that maybe will help us always remember being here, and being together for the first time." He opened his hand, revealing the two cuffs from Ocracoke, the silver gleaming in the combined soft illumination of the deck lights and the moonlight.

Jared sat up with a little gasp. "Jen! What - where did you get these? They're beautiful!"

Jensen smiled and said, "That little shop on Ocracoke, the one where you were looking at the pottery and the shell mobiles?"

Jared smacked him gently. "Oh, the one where you were flirting with the clerk? I saw you, ya big flirtypants!"

Jensen cracked up. "Flirtypants?? Okay, Jare, your hall pass to eighth grade is hereby revoked!" He got hold of his laughter and settled down. "I know we can't do rings - too obvious - but I thought these were really special. Unique. The shop girl said they were all individually made, so no two are exactly alike. And they're not girly or anything - they're strong, they're made of silver and copper, and . . . I just thought, it's something . . . something for us, as a team, as a . . . as a couple." Jensen hesitated here, unsure of Jared's reaction. "Are they - are they okay, Jared? D'ya like them?"

His eyes searched Jared's face, looking for a clue about his reaction, unnerved because it was really unlike Jared to be quiet about a present.

Jared studied the bracelets, running a finger delicately around the smooth curve of the metal band. He looked up at Jensen, eyes misting over, and nodded. "They're gorgeous, Jen, and they're perfect. Perfect. Thank you so much, baby."

Jensen breathed a sigh of relief. When he had selected the cuffs, Jensen had thought Jared would approve of them, but here in the heat of presentation, Jensen's nerves had kicked into gear. Jared's praise flooded Jensen with joy and spread a wide smile across his face. Jared was feeling the metal between his fingers again, a smile on his lips and dimples in full play. Jensen slipped his hand under Jared's chin and drew him closer, catching the momentary look of surprise on Jared's face before Jensen kissed him. They kissed slowly and sweetly, simply expressing their love and savoring each other. 

As they broke the kiss, Jensen looked into Jared's eyes again, taking one bracelet and touching Jared's hand. Jared looked back at him and nodded, holding his wrist out, and Jensen slipped the cuff on. Eyes flicking from the cuffed wrist to Jared's face, Jensen was startled to see tears in Jared's eyes. He gently swiped a thumb across Jared's left eye, feeling on his skin the moisture that had swelled there.

"Darlin', are you okay? Is this okay? Am I missing something, or going too fast?"

Jared shook his head and snuffled. "No, Jen, I love it. I love you. I just . . . I feel so lucky, and so blessed, and I just couldn't hold it all in. These are happy tears, happy that I get to be with you, that we get to be together. Don't ever want to forget this moment." And he took Jensen's hand and kissed it. "Can I . . . may I put yours on for you, Jen? Please?"

Jensen was feeling rather damp-eyed himself now, and he simply nodded his assent to Jared. Jared picked up the remaining cuff and slipped it over Jensen's wrist. They sat quietly, heads together, holding each other's hands as they looked at the metal shining on their wrists. Finally they rose and went downstairs, walking out to the beach where they stood watching the waves crash in the moonlight one last time. Jensen's eyes teared up as well as he contemplated leaving Avon, their private little world. Everything had been so perfect here, but now it was time to take themselves and their new relationship out into the real world.

* * * * * * *

Vancouver was a contrast in more than just climate to the Outer Banks. Everything seemed darker, foggier. Filming began in just a couple of weeks, and they had already rehearsed their scripts for the first two or three episodes. It was back to the grind - rehearse, film, reshoot, repeat. They loved their jobs and considered themselves enormously lucky to be doing what they did, but creating a TV show still entailed a lot of work.

They also felt an underlying tension that neither man wanted to address. They had experienced so much during their trip – sharing fun activities like windsurfing, exploring the island, the day trip to Ocracoke. They had adjusted to their new relationship, shifting from one of friends to that of lovers. It was so easy there, far from responsibilities, other entanglements, the pressures of family and career. Under the brilliant blue North Carolina sky, their thoughts had been filled with having fun, sharing experiences, enjoying the gorgeous scenery, and the intense, heady thrill of discovering each other as lovers. It had been romantic and sexy, relaxing and carefree, and every moment was a delight.

The brief argument about coming out had blunted the edge of that delight a little. Finding out how different their viewpoints were as far as being out had definitely been a splash of cold water. They were determined to make this work - they weren't going to give this new relationship up without a hell of a fight. Even though they left the Outer Banks with this issue merely shelved, Jared and Jensen were nonetheless committed to each other. They felt sure that they would be able to work something out. There simply was no alternative.

So now Jensen and Jared began to integrate their new status as lovers into their previously existing life, while also keeping it under wraps. As they'd agreed while still in Avon, Jensen moved into Jared's house immediately upon their return to Vancouver. That was the first hurdle crossed. They got to snuggle each other to sleep every night, and wake in the morning to share sleepy kisses and morning wood. The difficulties were during the hours between the morning kisses and the bedtime snuggles. The hours that involved the rest of the world.

Filming turned out to be pretty easy. Everyone was already used to Jared being all over Jensen, and Jensen's amiable tolerance of it. Their trailers were next to each other, and it was S.O.P. to check both trailers whenever Jared or Jensen were needed on set. They ate together, hung out together, drove home together. No one blinked an eye over Jensen's moving into Jared's house - it was seen as a matter of convenience and friendship. No one needed to know that the boys didn't shared just a house, but also a bed.

Eventually, though, Jared began to chafe under the PDA restrictions. He might clown around on set, draping his arms over Jensen, hugging him, smacking his ass. Jensen might punch Jared's bicep, tousle his hair, hug him back. Affectionate, to be sure, but not untoward behavior for them. Jared's problem was that he wanted more. He wanted to hug Jensen without it being a goof. He wanted to touch Jensen with the love that Jared felt for him. He wanted to reach over and take Jensen's hand, kiss Jensen's cheek, and be unfazed that people were around them. Jared's eyes followed Jensen and he would forget to temper that gaze, he'd lose track that his eyes were speaking clearly of his love for Jensen. Jensen would turn and catch Jared, frowning at him and snapping his fingers to break Jared's focus.

At first, Jared felt bad about not being more subtle, but as the months went by, he cared less and less about subtlety. He loved Jensen, and he wasn't doing anything wrong by doing that. He wanted to be able to express it, just as he had with Sandy, or any other lover he'd had. Jensen got very jumpy very fast, though, and his abrupt withdrawals started to hurt Jared. Despite knowing that Jensen loved him - and he only had to glance at his cuff to remind himself of that - Jared hated having Jensen pull away from him. He just couldn't help feeling rejected by his partner every time it happened. 

The brief flash of irritation at yet another of Jensen's retreats left Jared's brain buzzing irritably. He knew Jensen loved him; he had no doubt on that score whatsoever. The dichotomy between Jensen's feelings and Jensen's actions, though, was totally screwing up Jared's brain. He could not reconcile the way he knew Jensen felt and the way he acted in public to Jared. Jared had tried to be discreet, tried to be just a co-star and friend, but things seemed to . . . slip away from him. And then Jensen would push him away, move somewhere else, say something snarky, and Jared's heart would ache. Then they would go home, and Jensen would apologize, tell Jared of his love, and Jared would accept and everything would be fine. Again. For the most part. But there was always a lingering shadow, and those shadows - they were growing. Jared was scared, because he didn't know how long he could keep the shadows at bay and have Jensen be content. Somewhere along the line, something was going to give.


	5. Chapter 5

“No! It's not happening! Stop bringing it up, Jared. We've talked and talked about it, but the answer is still no! I'm not coming out. My family . . . just, no. They'd never accept it, Jared, not in a million years. Coming out to them – god, I can't even think about it. It can't happen. It's not going to happening. And we aren't even talking about how it would trash our careers. Everything we've worked for so far – gone.” Jensen moved over to Jared, his voice taking a more pleading tone. “C'mon, Jared, you know what would happen. No action movies for you – can't have a gay hero. No rom coms – whose gonna buy a romantic lead that everyone knows is queer? I know Bomer just came out, but it's not clear yet that he's going to be okay. Playing a stripper, you just need to be hot, and he's that in spades. But beyond that? Jared, you have so much to give, I want you to have a chance at all of the best parts. And I know I'm thinking about doing a little directing here, but I still plan on being in front of the camera a good long while myself. I don't want to give it up yet. I wish things were different, but they're not. Not yet. Audiences aren't gonna buy a gay actor as the romantic or heroic lead. This would end our careers in a heartbeat. Can't you see that, baby?” Jensen moved to touch Jared, but Jared abruptly moved aside, every nuance of his body language broadcasting anger and hurt. 

 

Jensen truly believed everything he had said to Jared. What he hadn't said counted just as much, perhaps more, but it had been bred into Jensen so long that he didn't think he could even articulate it. It was just how things were, the way people were expected to be, and that was that. Jensen started learning that back in middle school, and it was part of a lesson he'd never forgotten.

 

* * * * * * *

 

When Jensen was in middle school, he became aware of who attracted him. The girls were sprouting boobs and donning makeup, trying out the flirtatious behavior and tinkling laughs to lure the boys like honey. The boys were shooting up, filling out, starting to talk tough to each other and lust after the girls. Dances and football games were the rituals by which teenage mating games were played out - gyms redolent with perfume, sweat, and hormones, simmering in the Texas heat.

Except for Jensen.

He understood that he was expected to gravitate toward the girls, his jeans growing tight with an easy, adolescent hard-on. It just wasn't working out that way. It was the boys that Jensen wanted to check out. His eyes were drawn to their sweaty bodies as they trailed in from the athletic field, his hands itched to wrap around their newly formed muscles. He didn't care about lacy bras cupping perky breasts; his thrills were from a bulge defined by tight briefs, or a jock strap framing a rounded ass. Jensen walked around with the constant erection that every teenage boy did - his was just prompted by a different set of turn-ons.

Jensen knew that he was wrong. Not that he was choosing to be wrong, because God knew that he was not choosing this. He did not wake up one morning and hop out of bed thinking 'Screw girls! I'm going to get me some BOY nookie today!' Nope, it wasn't anywhere near that easy. So Jensen knew he didn't choose to be wrong. He was wrong. Somewhere deep inside, something had gone amiss during the construction of Jensen Ross Ackles, and he had come off the assembly line Wrong. And he knew it. He knew it ran as deep as any other aspect of himself did. Deep as his annoying freckles; deep as his love of music; deep as any facet of him could possibly be. There was no removing of it, no erasing, no remodeling. No self-help book or program, despite what he'd read about those 'gay camps' that promised to make you all hetero and happy. As far as that went, Jensen was at peace with himself - he hadn't done anything, hadn't asked for it - this is just the way he was.

But that didn't mean it was okay. Oh, no sir, it was not okay, not in the least. He lived in Texas, and Texas didn't hold with homosexuals. He knew that without needing to ask. Maybe if he lived in Boston, or New York City, then it might be okay. But not in Richardson, Texas, just north of Dallas. Not okay here at all, no sirree Bob.

Then there was his church, Richardson Zion Baptist, which really was his family's church. They sure didn't hold with homosexuals either. It came up from time to time in a sermon, the minister preaching away about how all the homosexuals were abhorrent and sinful and destined for Hellfire. Jensen always got really tense between his shoulder blades during that sermon, like he could feel the eyes of the congregation zeroing in on him. 'Him!! He is the apostate!' he would imagine them yelling at him. Then his family would turn to him, shock and disbelief on their faces. He could see Mackenzie turning to their mother and asking 'Mommy, what's an apos - apos- aposate?' Jensen always shuddered and woke up at that point.

And lastly, it wasn't okay with his family. His family, who lived in Texas and went to the Richardson Zion Baptist Church every Sunday. His family, who said prayers before every dinner and would never invoke the name of the Lord in vain. His family, who could have been models for the Cleaver family on TV. Who pushed his older brother into football and his little sister into cheerleading, because that's what sons and daughters did in Texas. Jensen had gotten a bye, being the middle child, so it was okay for him to be in Drama Club, and learn how to play guitar. But he knew how his parents felt about gays - it had been spelled out for him loud and clear.

Just in case Jensen still harbored any errant thoughts about the perceived wrongness of homosexuality in his home, the trip to Dallas during his freshman year of high school laid all of them to rest. It was the year his family's annual Dallas shopping foray ran into the Dallas Pride Parade.

Every year, the Ackles family took one late summer day and devoted it to a major shopping jaunt in Dallas, as part of preparing their three kids for the new school year. Certainly Richardson had shops for everyday shopping, but the annual Dallas shopping trip was a fun outing that the whole family looked forward to. Alan would take the day off from work, and the five Ackles would drive into Dallas for a wardrobe re-stocking, punctuated by lunch at a restaurant selected by the kids.

At twelve, Jensen was starting to regard himself as less of a "kid". Mac was puzzled that he wouldn't play with her like he used to, and Josh just laughed at him before running off with his own friends. Jensen had a sense that he was different somehow, but puberty hadn't quite hit full force yet, so what that difference was remained a mystery to him. Nonetheless, he was looking forward to the shopping trip this year as always.

They arrived in the city, parked in one of the big storied parking garages, and then headed to the first store of the day, Neiman Marcus. His mother loved Neiman Marcus, where she always got a couple of new outfits before getting into the nitty-gritty work of outfitting three children for school. Alan took the boys to look at sport coats and ties, and they all reunited a couple of hours later. Mackenzie was excited about her two new party dresses, and was happily chattering away as they walked to the next store.

Jensen's early enthusiasm waned quickly, as he was either trying on jeans, shirts, sweaters, and shoes, or else watching his siblings try on jeans, shirts, sweaters, and shoes. Between the two adults, they managed to get the bulk of the shopping done within a few hours. Alan and Josh took the bags to the car, while Jensen, Mac, and Donna went ahead to the restaurant to get a table. It was a diner slash ice cream parlor, and they had a great time, laughing all through the meal, and departing with ice cream cones for everyone. Jensen was smiling and laughing, thinking about how much he loved his family, how they had so much fun together, even his bossy big brother. They only had one more store to go to before heading home, and Jensen was a little regretful the day was that close to being over. This Dallas trip had been terrific.

The shopping finished, the tired family was finally ready to head home. Carrying the last round of bags and heading back to the car, they came to a cross street and found it blocked off by sawhorses. Both sides of the street boasted a pretty good crowd, and Donna made sure she had a good grip on Mac's hand, fearing losing her in the crowd. 

Josh pointed out to their father that a lot of people on the streets were dressed up in seemingly random costumes. They were all very puzzled what the parade was for. Music began to float down the street as the parade approached, so they stayed still and waited. The first people were arriving now, and the music was quite loud. Donna gasped just as Alan started swearing. Jensen jumped, as his father was not in the habit of cursing. The first group in the parade featured men all dressed in evening gowns! Jensen's eyes boggled. This was bizarre! Josh snickered behind him, and Donna was clutching Mac's head, despite Mac's protest. 

The glamorously clad men were followed by men in skimpier, spangly outfits who were waving and dancing. They were throwing confetti around as they went. Behind that group was a wide banner on a pole, carried by two men in white, sleeveless tee shirts and rainbow-striped pants. The banner said FIRST ANNUAL DALLAS PRIDE PARADE.

Jensen stared at the banner, then looked at his dad. Alan was standing stiffly, his face red and angry, his jaw clenched. Donna had released Mac, much to Mac's relief, and now she was clutching Alan's arm as she stared open-mouthed. Josh's face was simply blank, and Mackenzie was asking her mother what the banner meant. Jensen turned back to the parade, seeing more men in all kinds of costumes go by. There were groups of women too, dressed in costumes as well, or in masculine clothes, and suddenly Jensen got it. He didn't know about the First Annual or Pride parts, but this was a parade of gay men and women, all marching down the street and not caring who knew what they were. The Pride part clicked now, and Jensen understood they were proud of who they were. He felt admiration for them - they were strong enough to make a statement like this, in the middle of Dallas, Texas, home of the good ol' boy. Jensen smiled.

Alan suddenly yelled at the marchers. "Faggots! You filthy faggots!! What the hell are you doing here? Get off the street, you pigs! You abominations! Get out!" Alan was panting with the force of his yelling, and Jensen was shocked at the vehemence of his reaction. He shrank from Alan, terrified to see his usually fair-minded, thoughtful father turn into a screaming hoodlum. He looked at Josh, but Josh's face was like stone. Jensen wondered if Josh agreed with their dad, or simply didn't want to be in the middle of this.

One of the marchers came over to their side of the street. "Hey, man, there's no need for the name-calling. We're just having our parade here, not hurting anyone. We have our permit to march. Why don't you calm down, buddy, you're scaring your little girl there." he said pleasantly, nodding at a petrified Mackenzie.

Alan spit at him, hitting him on the cheek. "Don't you tell me a goddamned thing about taking care of my little girl, you fucking pervert! This 'parade' is making a mockery of the fine, Christian people of Dallas and of Texas! You goddamn sickos should just get the hell out of town, because nobody here wants you faggots around! Leave my family alone, you queer, and get out of my face!"

The man looked at Alan, wiping his face with his sleeve. Anger was clear in his face, but he replied calmly. "We're just people, sir, people like you who love each other and have families and jobs. We're here to take away some of the hate and fear people like yourself feel. When people like you see that people like me are just people, sometimes that helps." The man noticed Jensen then, sending him a smile and a wink. Jensen wanted to smile back at him, but he didn't dare. The man turned and rejoined the parade, singing and waving, and leaving the Ackles family in a tense, cold group.

The ride home was quiet. There was no chatter about bargains made, who got what for school, how nice the lunch was. Jensen huddled in the back seat, his sister between him and Josh, and he stared out the window. He knew he didn't understand everything that happened on that sidewalk, but one moment stood out starkly in his mind. Alan's angry face cursing at the parade, shouting out "Faggot!!" - Jensen would never - could never - forget that.

 

* * * * * * *

 

“Jesus fuck, Jen!! Do you hear yourself?” Jared demanded, arms outstretched and open. His eyes were dark with anger as he stood rigid and tense. “Do you think I give a rat's ass about my career if it's a choice between that and you? I love my career, Jen, I do. I love acting, and I fucking love Supernatural. But goddamn it to hell, I love you more! You're EVERYTHING to me! You! The rest of it is horseshit without you! Don't you get that? I wanna be with you everywhere, Jen, not just inside our house. I want to walk down the street with you holding hands, I wanna kiss you at a restaurant when we're eating out. I wanna go to a con or event not just as your co-star, but as your partner! I don't want to worry about who's around, who's got a camera or is going to out us to the gossip rags. I wanna show everybody how fucking wonderful you are, and how fucking lucky I am to be with you!” The frustration in his eyes was underscored by the threatening tears. "Jensen, every day that I go out with you and pretend we're not lovers, it's a lie. We lie and lie about what and who we are, and it's making me sick, Jen, sick to my stomach. What you and I have, it's what people yearn for, what they strive for, and when they find it, they yell and dance and set off fucking fireworks! But not us! We have to creep around and hide in the shadows, lest we are seen. It's degrading! It's degrading to you, degrading to US! This isn't something to hide; it's something to rejoice about! Please, Jen, please - let us share our joy instead of keeping it a dirty secret. Please let us walk out together and proudly show that we love each other."

Jensen sighed heavily, feeling exhausted by their struggle. “Jared, I love you, but I'm just not ready to torch my career!! Or to face my parents, for that matter! You KNOW how conservative they are, how entrenched in their church. You know how strongly they feel about issues like abortion and homosexuality. Homosexuality is fucking anathema to them." Images of rainbow banners and feathers ran through Jensen's mind, juxtaposed with his parents' stern, angry visages and underscored with cold, ugly words yelled out. Faggot. Pervert. Abomination.

"They will NEVER accept me being gay, never, much less accept you and me as lovers! I know they aren't right, I KNOW they aren't, but I don't want to lose them, Jay. Despite their warped viewpoint, they're still my parents! They raised me, I am who I am because of them!”

“Who you are, Jen?” Jared scoffed angrily. “They don't fucking know who you are! You're hiding who you really are from them! They don't know what's going on in your life, who you love, who you've grown to be! They see the cardboard cut-out of the perfect son they think they raised! The perfect hetero son who's going to marry a perfect wife and give them perfect grandkids. It's all a load of crap, Jen!” Jared paused, trying to slow his angry breathing down. He continued slightly more calmly. “You're AMAZING – you're smart, you care about people, you're talented as hell. If that isn't enough for them, then fuck them! It's on them, Jen, not you! They don't have the right to dictate how you live your life, not by their ridiculous, conservative standards!”

The two men stood glaring at each other, facing off across the coffee table as tension radiated from their bodies. Steam was practically rising from their nostrils as they both struggled to calm down. Jensen was unmoving, except for the clenching of his hands. Jared was standing still as well, but his body was clearly struggling to maintain that stillness - he was trembling as he stood.

Jensen broke the stand-off first. Looking down, he sighed deeply, forcing his hands to unclench. Looking up again at Jared, he spoke quietly as he continued to look steadily at the man he loved.

“Fine, Jared. That's your stand – fine. I'm not changing my mind. I can't. This is the only option for me. I love you, Jay, I love you with everything I am, and if that's not enough, then . . . then I don't know what else I can do or say. I guess for now, I . . . I gotta go.”

Jensen turned abruptly and strode out of the room, heading toward their bedroom. Jared remained standing in the living room, stunned, unable to comprehend what was happening. He could hear Jensen opening and closing various doors and drawers, tossing his clothes and toiletries onto the bed with soft thumps. Jensen's duffel bag jingled as it was pulled out of the closet. A few minutes of silence, and then the long clicking of the zipper pulling closed. After a final deep breath in their bedroom, Jensen walked back into the living room, duffel slung over his shoulder. It made Jared think of Dean, always with his duffel, on the road. . . but this was Jensen. His Jensen. Jensen, who was packed and leaving. Jared's chest was too tight, he couldn't breathe properly. This wasn't happening, was it? Jen about to leave? Was this some awful scene where Dean and Sam were fighting? Wasn't someone going to yell cut? Please?

Please make it stop . . . he can't really be leaving. Those two thoughts looped inside Jared's head. He was too stunned to even speak, unable to comprehend how his world was falling apart like this.

Jensen stared at Jared, thinking to himself how dazed Jared looked. A rush of concern flooded him, making him step toward Jared, wanting to assist his partner. But instead, Jensen made himself step back again. He better get used to shutting this kind of emotion down right now, because there wasn't any more point to it. Jared was no longer his lover, his partner. He was suddenly just his co-star again.

“I'll be in town at the hotel the network uses.” An awkward silence held for a moment before Jensen continued over to the front door. He froze there, hand on the doorknob, throat constricting so he couldn't speak or swallow. He turned the knob and suddenly he was outside, the door closing behind him. The sun was too bright – Jensen felt exposed and bereft in the sudden light. All he wanted to do was run back inside the house, run back to Jared, the other half of himself. Instead, Jensen stumbled to his truck, scrabbled at the lock with his keys, and managed to haul himself onto the seat. He jammed the key into the ignition and blindly shifted gears, slowly pulling away from the curb as his eyes filled with tears. Wiping his eyes with his sleeve, Jensen drove down the street, his heart rending with every turn of his tires.


	6. Chapter 6

It didn't taken long for awareness of the rift to spread on set. Small villages have nothing on the gossip network of a tv show. Of course, Jared and Jensen were both far too professional to deliver anything less than their best performances, regardless of their personal situation. Sam and Dean continued their battle against evil, struggling to keep the world from ending as Lucifer manifested and tried to claim Sam as his vessel. The tension between the brothers mimicked the tension between the actors, so filming went very well and the dailies looked great. Misha Collins and Jim Beaver were on-set almost all the time, their characters busy supporting the Winchesters in the battle. Every so often Eric appeared in Vancouver, and he'd look at Jared and Jensen with that deeply appraising stare, making them uncomfortable and a little worried. Eric, though, was pleased overall with what he was seeing happen on camera, and so forbore to analyze his stars.

It was in between shooting scenes that the cracks appeared. No longer did Jensen and Jared sit side-by-side during a pause in filming, cracking jokes and playing DS or Words with Friends. At meal breaks, they were not found together at the craft tables, Jensen laughing as Jared piled up two plates, Jared making sure Jensen got the sandwiches he liked best. Instead, they went their own ways. Jared half-heartedly goofed around with the guest stars or Misha, although the serious pranking ceased. Jensen stalked off in any other direction, or went back to his trailer. If Jared finished the day's shooting first, he didn't wait for Jensen anymore, instead leaving for home as soon as he changed out of Sam's usually bloody clothes.

The guest stars never knew anything was amiss, but semi-regulars Jim and Misha picked up quickly that things were not right. They exchanged questioning looks often, puzzled and concerned about their boys. Misha tried using his unique, freewheeling brand of humor to loosen things up on set, but to no avail. Jared smiled like it pained him, and Jensen simply ignored Misha when they weren't shooting a scene together. Jim was very fond of the 'Winchesters', and the visible distance between them pained his heart. He thought of them as "his boys" just like Bobby did, and the sadness he saw in their eyes was tangible. He didn't have any idea what could have happened between them, but Jim decided to give it a shot as far as offering some advice and a supportive ear to listen with.

Jim tackled Jared first, as he was generally the more open and approachable of the two. Jensen was more reserved by nature, pleasant and professional on set, but only really relaxed with his close friends. Jim suggested lunch to Jared one day, when he saw Jensen would be filming with Misha but Jared would be free. Jared agreed immediately, which made Jim hope that he'd be ready to disclose what was wrong between him and his co-star.

They met at a nearby pub, as they both had scenes to do later that afternoon. Jared ordered a small meal by his standards, and only picked at the chips and salsa on their table. Jim told a couple of stories to a clearly distracted lunch partner, and then he made his move.

"Jared, you know I think the world of you and your partner in crime there - it's an absolute pleasure working with you boys. But I gotta ask, son, what is going on with you two? Y'all been thick as thieves since season one, and now you can't be within 50 feet of each other unless the camera's rolling. You look miserable even when you're not being Sam, and Jensen - that boy looks like he's about to chew up nails and spit out tinfoil. What's wrong? Can I do anything to help?"

Jared sighed heavily and looked at the posters on the walls around them. "Jim, I know you mean the best here, and I appreciate that, I really do. Just . . . there's nothing you can help with, I'm afraid. There's pretty much nothing anyone can do. Things are the way they are, and there's no going back. Trust me Jim," and Jared laughed a sad little laugh. "I'd love for everything to be okay again, but it can't happen and it's not going to happen. I feel like I'm just hanging on by my fingertips - every day is a challenge just to get through. I'm praying to make it to the end of the season in one piece, and I can't see beyond that at all." Jim realized with a start that Jared was crying, tears slowly rolling down his cheeks. Jared realized it too and quickly brushed his hands over his face, taking a deep drink of water afterward.

The serving girl arrived with their lunch plates, and Jared flashed her the wide smile that knocked people over. Jim was not immune to that smile either, but following as it did after the tears - he wasn't buying it for a second. Jared was as unhappy as a man could get, and Jim felt helpless to change that. They ate quietly, talking about the story line and the guest actors for the next couple of weeks, and Jim told a couple of amusing little anecdotes about his daughter's exploits back home. They shook hands as they left, Jim watching a downcast Jared walk off down the sidewalk and feeling every bit as in the dark as he had been before.

A week went by, and Jim decided to confront Jensen. Perhaps the customarily reticent man would loosen up more over a drink. Jim invited Jensen out for a beer on a day they finished up early, and, after a momentary hesitation, Jensen accepted.

Over cold bottles of beer and a couple of appetizers, the two men chatted easily. Jim could almost think Jensen was just fine - except for the pain in his eyes. When he wasn't speaking, it could be seen in his face as well - a tightening of the skin and muscles, sharpening his already handsome features. Jim studied him, wondering what approach to take. Jensen was friendly, but guarded. Jim decided for directness.

"I gotta tell you, Jensen, I had lunch with Jared last week." Jim saw Jensen's lips tightening at that, but he didn't comment. "I've been noticing that y'all have stopped all the tom foolery you're partial to. Also noticed that Jared's going around looking like someone whipped his puppy." Jensen's breathing hitched as he studied his beer label. Jim waited another moment, then continued speaking. "I'm the last one to get between friends in a fight, but this? You're both looking miserable as wet rats. And it ain't affected shooting yet, but at some point, it will. This whole shebang revolves around you two, and I mean off-screen as well as on. Now I ain't here to scold you, and I ain't here to kick your ass. I'm here because you and Jared mean a lot to me personally, and I hate to see such unhappiness where it used to be sunshine and rainbows. So I wanna ask you, Jensen, just like I asked Jared - what's wrong? Can I help somehow? Can you just get it off your chest anyway?"

Jensen picked at the beer label, his eyes slanted down from Jim, his face impassive except for the downward turning of the corners of his mouth. "You asked Jared that? What did he say?"

"Pretty much nothing. Stuff about wishing he could go back and make things different, but he can't. How he's hanging on just to make it to the end of the season." Jim debated leaving it there, but opted to keep going instead. "Then he cried. Just for a couple of minutes, but he cried. What the hell is going on between you two, Jensen?"

Jensen's head went down, his hand rubbing the back of his neck - a tell for the difficulty he was having talking. Dean did the same thing. He took a deep breath and faced Jim squarely. "Jim, you're a good friend to both Jared and me. Please don't take offense, but I can't talk to you about this. It goes beyond just me, and there's things that I - well, I just can't. It's killing me how much Jared's hurting now, but I can't do anything about it. I can't say for sure, because we really aren't even talking anymore outside of filming, but I'm guessing he's just trying to keep going and do the job, and that's where I'm at too. I miss him," Jensen's voice cracked. "I miss him fuckin' awful, but I can't fix it, and neither can he. It sucks in every conceivable way, but that's how it is. So, thank you, man, for caring about us like this, but there's nothing to be done, by you or anyone else."

Jim was shocked to see tears glittering in Jensen's eyes, his thick lashes already wet. Jensen took a swallow of beer, then excused himself to the men's room. Jim found his own throat tight - Jensen's obvious pain, and his taking down the veil to reveal that pain to Jim, made Jim's heart ache sorely. He got up and left money to cover the beers, feeling the best thing he could do now was give Jensen back his privacy and let him lick his wounds in peace.

The Supernatural crew simply went about their business - there was a show to film, after all - but whispers and curious looks began to follow the stars as they went about their separate ways. The make-up girls started scheduling Jensen and Jared at different times when they could, as the silence in the trailer was horrid after the playful banter they were used to. Both men started running lines with production assistants instead of each other, only coming together when it was time to rehearse the scene. The producers got more and more nervous about the state of affairs, emailing increasingly frantic memos to each other and to Kripke, expressing their concern about whatever was amiss ultimately affecting Supernatural. Their fear was not if it was going to happen, but when.

Feeling lonely and isolated, Jared started spending more time with Genevieve again. They had maintained a close friendship after their brief dalliance, although the hooks ups stopped before the North Carolina vacation. Jared now found himself turning to her company more frequently. Her five foot four feminine frame and dark hair helped keep him from thinking about a tall, well-built man with broad shoulders and light brown hair. Jared still found women attractive – he had never had any difficulty getting turned on by or having sex with a woman. His relationships were dictated less by gender and more by the actual person. He and Gen cuddled as they watched movies, horsed around while playing with his dogs. Being a highly physical person, Jared felt soothed with the cuddles and casual touches. He missed Jensen horribly, like something had been amputated from his body, and Genevieve's undemanding presence eased him.

They started kissing and petting when they were on the couch, Gen making 'mmm' noises as Jared kissed her and his hands roved over her breasts. She ran her hands through his thick, soft hair and looked into those sad eyes, and she wanted to make him feel better. He missed Jensen so much, she knew, and he seemed so bereft. Being with her comforted him. He might look at her dark brown eyes and wish they were deep green, that her creamy skin was spattered with freckles, but she knew that feeling her small breasts or soft thighs beneath his hands shook those haunting images away for a little while. For her part, Genevieve was undisturbed by the casual nature of their relationship; she simply enjoyed Jared's company and had fun with him. She liked being an independent agent, and she well knew where Jared's heart was truly focused.

The first time they had sex after the breakup with Jensen, Jared cried. It had started as a light-hearted romp, a tickle fight on the couch that escalated. They were kissing deeply, and Gen pulled back and took her shirt off, watching Jared closely. Jared reached over and unhooked her bra, sliding it off her arms and dropping it on the floor. They looked at each other another moment before Jared pulled her to him, running his hands around the sides of her breasts as they pushed against his chest. It was all over after that - clothes left scattered on the stairs to the bedroom, Jared carrying Gen as she locked her legs around his waist. There was no talking.

After the orgasms came the tears. Gen didn't take it personally at all. She knew this was so hard for Jared, that his heart was completely owned by someone else, and she was happy to give her friend something he needed. After all, great sex with a gorgeous guy she was close with? For her, what was not to like? It wouldn't last forever, and in the meantime, they were good friends. Jared was simply overloaded emotionally. He ached for Jensen, he was being ripped up inside from having to act with him every day, and he needed to release some of the stress. She didn't say anything to him, simply held him, stroked his hair, rocked him a little. When he stopped, she got a cool washcloth from the bathroom and gave it to him before leaving the room. She collected her scattered clothing, left him a note to call her later, and slipped out the door.

They began sleeping together regularly, Gen coming over to the house for dinner and casual sex. In the back of his mind, Jared felt like he was cheating, but then he reminded himself that Jensen had been the one who'd left. On the nights when Jared was alone, he might have a couple of extra drinks, go to bed and jerk off with images of Jensen moving behind his eyelids, crying a little after he came and realized anew that he was alone. He'd get up and clean himself up, splash cold water over his face to wash the tears away, then look at himself in the mirror, noticing the grim set to his mouth and the sadness still in his eyes. No one else saw that, though. Not Gen, not anyone on set. Only Jared and the mirror.

Jensen, though, was completely alone. He was unable to connect with anyone outside of filming, or past a purely superficial level. He felt cold inside and out, a pervasive chill that left him half-numb. On set, Dean was pretty tormented now, struggling to save his brother after most of the angels turned out to be douche-bags. Jensen felt Dean's anger and frustration down to his bones, so he had no problem fleshing out the high angst level in the episodes underway. It was more of a problem to shake it off when filming was done, and he didn't always manage to do that.

Jensen's peripheral vision kept him at a constant, low-level awareness of Jared – Jared loping off to the craft table, Jared heading back to his trailer, Jared talking to Misha or the guest actors of the week. Fucking Jared with his fucking thick hair, and his fucking gorgeous eyes, and that fucking seven foot tall body that made it impossible to miss him in a crowd. Jensen rubbed his face and shook his head, working to re-focus so he could make his fucking kill-shot in this scene and get the fuck out of there before he lost his fucking mind.

It kept unraveling more and more with every episode. Everyone worked to keep the production together until the end of the season, but Jared and Jensen both knew they weren't going to make it to season six. They couldn't really look at each other anymore, there was so much stifled love and anger and resentment – and it started to bleed into Sam and Dean. The crew used to love working on Supernatural, bragging about what a great place their set was, but the seeping coldness from the two stars was becoming too strong. The last few episodes of season 5 saw everyone working as hard as they could to finish up and then get the hell out of Dodge. 

The storyline was very powerful, but terribly sad as well, and it further discolored the depressing atmosphere. Season five was the end-date Kripke had originally planned, the conclusion of his master story arc that started from seeds planted in season one. That story had grown through the years to finally consume the Winchesters in a Kansas cemetery. Chuck the Prophet's calm, sorrowful voice narrated as Sam wrestled with Lucifer, and Dean came to be with Sam - supporting and loving him as Dean always did. Sam got to validate Dean's support by jumping with Lucifer into the cage opened by the Horsemen's Rings. Sam/Lucifer was destined to fight with his half-brother, Michael's vessel, for eternity, thus saving the world from destruction. Dean stayed until the showdown was all over before he left in the Impala, driving to Lisa and Ben and an apple pie life. Castiel returned to Heaven after resurrecting Bobby, who returned to his old hunter's life of research, fighting, and saving people.

And then . . . Supernatural was done. Print. Wrap.

Of course, there was a lot of sadness – a cast and crew who'd worked together for 5 years was disbanding. Hundreds of hugs, kisses, tears, smiles, and voices as like to utter a sob as a laugh filled the lot. Jared and Jensen were on separate sides, and everyone else was milling about, drifting over to one group and then the other. Kripke was there, of course, and Bob Singer, Sera Gamble, Ben Edlund, and everyone else on down. The makeup girls, who always wrestled with the boys' unruly hair and used their magic to conceal hangovers. Set people, camera operators and crew, everyone who'd put so much effort into this quirky show. Jared and Jensen both knew what a precious gift Supernatural had been, and they made sure to thank and hug everyone they possibly could. As the mass of people continued milling, the former Winchesters found themselves drawing nearer to each other. Of course, everyone expected to see them sign off together, despite their apparent recent personal issues. Not to do so would be petty and mean-spirited, and both men were better-raised Texas boys than that.

So Jensen and Jared found themselves in the middle of the cast and crew, and they each took a deep breath and manned up.

“Jared – it's been an honor to ride in the Impala with you.” Jensen began. “You're an awesome actor, and you've been an even better friend, and I know you're gonna go far in this business. I'm not sure what the market for sasquatches is,” and a chuckle rippled through the crowd. Jensen half-smiled and continued, “But I'm sure you'll never lack for good roles or good friends. Thank you for co-piloting Baby and killing all the evil sons-a-bitches we could.” Applause and laughter rose around them. It had been easier than he expected - Jensen meant every word he'd said. It was the words he wasn't saying that were hurting inside him. Like 'I'm sorry for hurting you, Jared.' 'I miss you, Jared.' Or even . . . 'I love you, Jared.' But none of those words were spoken. 

Jared cleared his throat, feeling a little choked-up with all the emotion on the set. He knew he had to say a few words to Jensen, and he was just praying that he'd get through it intact. 

“Jensen, dude . . . I don't know what to say. That's a first, right, guys?!” and a short laugh rasped out of Jared's throat. “This has been a wild ride, and we've had some amazing times on this set. Supernatural was a whole new experience for me, and you were there all the way – helping and guiding me, watching over me, showing me how to do the best work I could all the time. I know there will be other roles and other sets, but I'm always gonna treasure this one – the one we worked on together to made this vision happen. Thank you, Jensen, and may the best of parts always come your way.” He, too, felt the weight of unsaid words lying heavy in his heart, but this was not the time or the place, if in fact there still even was a time or place for it at all. Instead, they gave each other hearty handshakes followed by stiff half-hugs, all the while studiously avoiding true eye contact. Had eye contact been made, each would have seen the tears sparkling in the other's eyes, and noticed how frequently they had to blink to keep those tears from falling.


	7. Chapter 7

No sooner did Supernatural wrap than Dan Spilo, Jared's manager, had him out on auditions. Dan was lobbying for movie leads – action flicks, rom coms, just like Jensen had predicted. Jared took a few of those auditions, but he instructed Dan to look for other kinds of parts too. The best friend. The partner/buddy. The brotherly friend of the heroine. The supporting roles, even the quirkier character roles. He was less interested in the billing and more interested in the part itself.

“I'm not looking to be the 'next' anybody, Dan. I wanna work a long time, longer than just how long my looks last. And I wanna DO more, BE more – there's so much to learn. This is an opportunity to stretch myself as an actor.” Jared looked hard at Dan. “I know what you want for me, and I'm not saying no. But I want to be sure that we are saying 'yes' to other roles as well, okay? Are we clear on this?” One lesson Jared had learned well from Jensen was that he had to stand up for himself – no one else was going to do it. Jared meant to adhere to that, now that he was alone in the biz. Dan looked at Jared and realized how much he had grown up over the course of Supernatural. He agreed to respect Jared's wishes.

Dan stuck to his word, and Jared went out for all kinds of roles. Word spread about his willingness and flexibility, and he did not lack for casting calls. He took his first post-Supernatural role in a rom com, playing the best male buddy of the female lead. Audiences rediscovered the puppy in Padalecki – warm, supportive, thoroughly male but sensitive too. And the shirtless scenes filmed at the beach locations reminded women of how hunky Jared was as well. The film was a reasonable success, but Jared walked away with a huge leap in both audience popularity and casting desirability.

Jared chose his roles carefully – the rom com winner was followed by an intimate, family drama, then by an action flick with a squad of heroic buddies. Audiences responded to the different sides Jared showed, and his popularity grew steadily. He usually took short breaks between each movie, but he was always reading scripts and keeping tabs on what projects were coming up next.

Personally, Jared managed to stay low profile, preferring to keep to himself between projects. There were no red carpet appearances, no tabloid shockers, just the occasional shot online of Jared at the grocery store, or perhaps walking on the beach. He might make an appearance at a premiere for one of his movies, but he was always dressed like a regular guy. And Jared was always alone, wherever he was seen – he wasn't interested in dating at all, and he refused to go out on studio-arranged 'dates'. There were no girlfriends, no boyfriends, no romantic entanglements of any kind. Jared's heart still belonged to Jensen, even though Jensen was nowhere in the picture. Jared wasn't expecting anything to change in that regard, but he felt how he felt. If there was one aspect of life Jared was not going to compromise on, it was his heart.

Of course, he had friends. Jared was too attractive and engaging, too social an animal not to make and have friends. He had a low-key social life with a small group of friends, involving dinners, get-togethers, the occasional outing. He had to do some PR work for his films, usually an interview and maybe a photo-shoot. It was an interesting dance between the interviewer's pressing questions and Jared's polite but firm shielding of his privacy. He or she would inevitably ask about Jared's love life, only to be met with a smile and a downward look, along with a self-deprecating laugh. 

“No, no, I don't have time for that. Maybe someday, but not now.” A perceptive interviewer might catch a flash of sorrow on Jared's face before the casual brush-off was delivered, but of course reporters had no idea what was really going on inside Jared Padalecki.

One canny interviewer tried to dig a little deeper one day, and was rewarded with an unexpected scoop. During the course of a rote interview, she asked Jared if he had any prospective romantic partners, which she'd phrased in a very PC, gender-inclusive way. Jared answered that there were no prospective partners, but that, of course, he was open to dating women AND men, because he was bisexual. Jared said this perfectly calmly, gazing levelly at her, and the interviewer strove to match his calmness, not wanting her inner excitement bleed out. Inside, she was squealing madly to herself 'WHAT A FUCKING SCOOP! OUTTA FUCKING NOWHERE! OHMIGOD I GOTTA CALL MY EDITOR!'

The announcement of Jared's sexuality created some buzz in entertainment news, as well as some of the gossip sites. His down-to-earth lifestyle and persona helped keep public reaction down. Jared himself was unflappable, ignoring any further talk about himself, and simply carrying on as he had been. Without fuel for any fire, the gossip died down pretty quickly. Public sentiment seemed to absorb the news without a major issue. Presumably the fact that Jared did still like girls as well as men, and his broad-based appeal from his widely varied roles combined to defuse any potential backlash.

Jared's contentment with his professional life far overshadowed his happiness with his personal life. He liked his friends, loved some even, but he spent every day feeling acutely alone. It was as if Jensen's ghost lived with him, always invisibly present and crowding out the thought of living companionship. Jared constantly wondered what Jensen would think of something – a new role, this recipe, that book. Ten times a day, Jared found himself wishing to share a thought with Jensen, a laugh, a sorrow, a touch. He was perfectly able to work, and he enjoyed his work, but he could not remotely consider dating, or finding someone for a relationship.

Genevieve came by to visit from time to time, if their schedules synced. Gen had stayed a close friend. She and Jared loved each other, but it was a love between friends, not a romantic love. She might hang out for a couple of days, visiting and catching up with Jared, and they'd have some enjoyable sex. They fucked as they did everything – with affection and regard, but strictly as friends. She was well aware of where Jared's heart was. Even without that, Jared and Gen had realized a long time ago that they were terrific friends, good lovers, but not relationship material for each other. For his part, Jared was as grateful for the physical part of their friendship as much as the social part, finding himself craving that skin-to-skin closeness with someone he trusted. Neither of them wanted it to be more than it was.

Apart from the infrequent sex with Gen, Jared hooked up with male co-stars on extremely rare occasions. They would fuck or trade blow-jobs once, maybe twice, but that was it. There was no true emotional involvement, just a healthy appreciation of each other's bodies and the opportunity to momentarily express it. Jared always topped, which everyone seemed to expect anyway, given his size and muscular frame. No one knew that Jared actually loved bottoming. There was only one person he'd bottom for, and that person was long gone. 

The brief encounters – the times with Gen, the rare hook-ups - somewhat satisfied Jared's craving for physical connection and sexual satisfaction, but there was none of the true intimacy that he craved. As fulfilling as the encounter itself may be, afterward Jared found himself feeling more empty and hollow than before the sex. That post-sex emptiness kept the hooks-ups few and far between, but eventually the need to touch and be touch would win out, and Jared would cave again. And afterward, physically satisfied but emotionally hungry as ever, he'd vow to himself to withstand the aching inside and avoid these empty fucks. 

 

* * * * * * *

 

Jensen scored another series lead before Supernatural's finale even aired. It was still a genre show, but less 'out there' than the Winchesters' world. Jensen was the angst-ridden, dramatic lead amidst an ensemble cast, with the show set in a haunted house. Shadowed Lives was much more of a soap opera than Supernatural, with all sorts of twisted, sexy relationships, but Jensen was a veteran of Days of Our Lives and had no problems dealing with that. The work was okay, not as much of the wild, intense stuff Jensen had become so used to, but he had something to get his teeth into and that was enough.

Having spent five years as one of two co-stars, Jensen found dealing with an ensemble cast difficult. He and Jared had (for the most part) worked as one. Now there were several egos and personalities to deal with, many of them antagonistic to each other. The shenanigans that started up annoyed Jensen to no end, and he was unafraid to speak his mind about it. He began to draw away from his fellow cast members, who immediately resented his retreat, calling him aloof and stuck-up. Behind the scenes, things slid downhill, and by the end of Shadowed Lives' second season, Jensen found out that his character was getting killed off in the finale. Jensen felt kinda bad for how unpleasant the cast dynamic had gotten, but he also felt relieved to be rid of them all.

Another show snapped Jensen right up, being that he was both handsome and talented, and this one pulled him out of the genre field. This was purely a nighttime soap, Paradise Lost, and Jensen was the gorgeous, but troubled, older son of a rich family. He slid right into the groove with it, drawing on all his Days of Our Lives experience to ensure angsty shoots, sultry stares, moody dialogue, and hot kisses. Women ate it up – those green eyes and the engaging crow's feet, the sculpted cheekbones and strong jaw paired with the lush, full lips. Jensen, however, got sick of it fast. After the challenges and fun of Supernatural, this was pablum. And just as he had experienced on Shadowed Lives, there was a large cast with even larger egos, plus overactive hormones, that he just couldn't be bothered to deal with. By the end of the first season, despite his popularity with the highly desirable women's market share, Jensen's character emigrated to Australia, and he was once again out of a job.

Working helped keep Jensen's loneliness at bay, but after each show had ended, and in the downtime, his mind crept back to Jared. Jensen could manage some daily chit-chat, but that was as far as he could go to engage with another person. Many hours were spent in his trailer, or alone in his condo. He moved about in the world – he went to the gym and worked out, ate at various diners and cafes, shopped for his few needs – but none of those activities required true conversation or personal interaction. He began to feel like a shadow, slipping through crowds without a sound, cloaked in his personal darkness. Even most of the conversations with his manager that his career required were handled over the phone. 

He still went out on auditions regularly. Of course, the whole point of auditioning is to show how one can be someone else, so there wasn't much exchange with the real Jensen. The closest he came to interacting with someone was at the bar that was fast becoming his regular hangout. Maybe it was that the bartender was named Sam, although this Sam was only 5 foot 10 and had dirty blonde hair. Maybe it was that Jensen hung out there three or four nights a week, nursing a couple of beers, maybe a couple of shots. He never got really drunk, just a little buzzed. Jensen didn't want to lose control or to blab about things best left buried. But Sam was friendly without being pushy, appeared to appreciate Jensen's dry wit, and they approached something like friendship.

After his Paradise Lost character emigrated off the show, Jensen hit a slight lull. He hadn't generated a bad rep as an actor, but his apparent issues in working with a large cast kept his desirability down. Jensen took the hit with characteristic stolidness, keeping his outward face stoic and simply continuing with his auditions as well as keeping in close contact with his manager. While no other shows looked promising, there was a surprising flurry of guest star parts. Many shows who'd noticed Jensen in the past were eager for a chance to have him in a one, two, or three episode role.

Jensen found these roles unexpectedly enjoyable. He'd never take a psychotic or criminal part for a long-running show, for instance, but an episode? Absolutely! He got to spread his acting wings in a refreshing way, trying on all sorts of different personae in different environments. A detective here, a criminal there. A sleazy lawyer. An ethical lawyer. A Romeo preying on rich, older women. A man considering entering the ministry after the death of his wife. The large cast issues disappeared – most of these roles were far too short-term to even worry about it. On the other hand, he got to work with some terrific actors that he had long admired – Mark Harmon, when Jensen did a guest shoot on NCIS; and Ron Perlman, when Jensen filmed a double episode on Sons of Anarchy (riding a hog was a huge plus) were his favorites along those lines.

Jensen also ran across actors he'd worked with on Supernatural. He bumped into Chad Lindberg a couple of times, as well as several previous guest stars of the week. He was pleased to find himself working with Jim Beaver on Justice, and the two had a casual dinner. They caught up enjoyably for the most part, trading stories of their roles and adventures post-Supernatural. Near the end of the meal, Jim brought up Jared's name. Jensen remained silent, finally saying simply that they hadn't stayed in touch. Jim didn't miss the look of pain that crossed Jensen's face, and felt that pain echo inside his own heart. Jensen begged off having a nightcap in the bar, and Jim felt a deep sorrow as he watched Jensen leave.

“That is one very unhappy young man.” Jim said quietly to himself. “And I only hope to God that he figures out what he needs, and then gets it. I fear for him if he doesn't, I really do.” And with that, Jim took himself off to his hotel to Skype with his daughter, and post his latest movie review on Facebook.

 

After the dinner with Jim, Jensen found himself parked at Sam's an additional night or two a week. The two beers became three, then four. Then there were a couple of shots. Maybe a couple more after that. Jensen wasn't trashed, but it was a good thing he didn't have to drive to Sam's. He wondered one evening if the drinking was getting out of hand, but decided he still had a pretty good grip on things. He still got up for shoots on time, still cleaned up good – well, pretty good, maybe he was looking kinda tired – and did the job. He'd branched into TV movies, but the better quality stuff. None of that SyFy schlock or Lifetime crap, hallelujah. He was still doing well enough to have standards.

He debated going into drama shows on cable. They had some kick-ass dramas there - True Blood, Game of Thrones, Jeffery Dean Morgan's Magic City - but there was a lot of nudity and sex on many of them as well. Jensen grew up knowing he was handsome, and he worked hard for a good body - there was no point in false modesty - but he couldn't help feeling squeamish about being naked on TV. He thought about his baby sister, his momma, or - God forbid!! - his grandmother watching it, and . . . no. That wasn't gonna fly in the old Ackles homestead, no sirree. He also had qualms about performing a graphic sex scene with a woman. He could handle the kissing scenes and the sexy scenes where the camera cut out strategically, but the stuff on cable was way more realistic than that. He wasn't sure how much desire and lust for a woman he could simulate on camera, and finally decided he'd rather not know. There would be no HBO or Showtime for Jensen.

The next part Jensen had was for Law & Order: Criminal Intent, and involved a couple of days ofS shooting at a stable. Jensen played the head horse trainer, as detectives investigated a murder and possible race fixing. As he walked into the tent where the guest cast was gathered, Jensen was stunned to see Genevieve among them. He froze, immediately dreading the prospect of conversing with her, yet knowing it was inevitable. Sure enough, she turned and saw him, likewise freezing with her eyes wide. They stared at each other, and Jensen thought his mouth was never going to be able to move again. Then she took a deep breath, moving toward him as she seemed to steel herself for the conversation.

“Hi there,” she said quietly. “How . . . how are you doing?”

“Fine,” Jensen said. “I'm just fine. How are you?”

“Oh, fine here. Doing the guest star bit, you know.” She laughed nervously. “My experience with horses came in handy.”

“Oh, yeah, I remember. Yeah, that's definitely a plus, huh?” Jensen had no idea what to say. She looked the same – thick, dark hair; sloe eyes under long, arching eyebrows; that wide mouth. Jensen looked at her and couldn't help wondering if she was still sleeping with Jared.

The director was calling for places, so they were spared from further strained chatting. As Genevieve walked off, she turned back to Jensen for a moment.

“Hey, Jen, let's have lunch, okay? I think we have some things to talk about . . . please?”

Jensen's throat was too constricted for him to answer her, except for a short, jerky nod.

“Great. I'll meet you back at the craft tent. Good luck with your scenes!” And she disappeared into the stable.

Jensen would have spent the morning kicking himself, but he was busy acting so the kicking was out. Before he knew it, the lunch bell rang, and people either meandered over to the craft tent or off to the parking lot. Jensen walked slowly, half-hoping that he'd miss Gen. She was right there, though, and handed him a plate that she'd already filled for him.

“Thanks,” he mumbled, accepting the plate and grabbing a water bottle. She had her own plate and water too, so they walked over to an open table on the outskirts of the area for some privacy.

Eating proved impossible, as his throat felt closed up and his stomach was churning. He drank some water and toyed with the fruit she'd thoughtfully provided along with a turkey sandwich. She seemed disinclined to eat as well, picking at some grapes and having a bite or two of yogurt. Jensen thought the tension was going to give him a stroke, so he finally cleared his throat and spoke.

“So . . . um, you wanted to talk about something?”

“Yeah, Jen, I did. And I'm sure you know what about. I wanna talk about Jared.”

Jensen closed his eyes, absorbing the almost physical blow her sentence gave him.

“I figured as much. Gen, there's really nothing to say. His movie career is moving along, he seems to be doing great, we don't talk, end of story.”

“That's crap, Jensen. Yes, his career is doing great. He's reasonably happy. But he isn't REALLY happy, and we both know why. He still loves you, Jensen. And I'm 99.9% sure that you still love him, which is why you can't choke down a single bite of food there. You lunkheads have unfinished business between you, and you need to deal with it.” She looked at him steadily, pinning him under her gaze. Jensen started sweating, wondering where she got the goddamn nerve to confront him like this.

“Frankly, Genevieve, it's really none of your fucking business. There's nothing between us, if there ever was it's old news, and that's it. So fuck off and take your nosy little ass with you.” Jensen's hands were clenched now, and his jaw set.

“Did ya know that he came out?”

Jensen stared at her in shock, frozen on his bench. That couldn't be true. He'd have heard. He'd know. She was lying for some sick reason of her own. She was deluded. Jared hadn't . . . Jared wouldn't . . .

“Don't worry, Jensen. He didn't mention you at all. He was being interviewed for some movie press, and the reporter said something about love and dating, you know, standard stuff. Only this time, instead of brushing her off, Jared answered. With a real answer. He told her he was bi, and no – he wasn't seeing anyone.” She too had dropped all pretense of eating, and simply sipped her water as she continued watching Jensen.

“Bi?”

Genevieve rolled her eyes and sighed.

“Yes, bi, Jen. You know, where you like the boys AND the girls? An equal opportunity flier? That's our boy, Jared Bi Padalecki.”

Jensen didn't know what to think. He knew Jared was bi – look at him and Gen, for instance. He knew Jared had been ready to come out with him, Jensen. Yet hearing it – and hearing it from Genevieve – was a shock that paralyzed his mind. He could not imagine sitting there with the interviewer and just deciding then and there that it was time. That he'd rip the cloak off his personal life, expose his inner self to the world like that, for them to pick at and poke with sticks, while he stood there naked and quivering.

“Jensen? Jen? Are you okay? Drink some of your water, come on.” Her eyes were concerned now, surprised by the strength of his reaction. “I thought you'd heard about it, it was all over for a bit. It's died down, and he's fine, there's been no real hit to him or his career. Jesus, Jen, I didn't think you were gonna take it so hard.”

Jensen mechanically drank some water, and the cool liquid soothed his throat. He coughed and drank again.

“No, um . . . no, I hadn't heard. I don't really follow the news or the gossips at all, and with me in TV and him in movies, our circles don't overlap. I, um . . . well, yeah, of course I wish him the best. If that's what he wanted, then I'm glad he did it. Now he can see whoever he wants without fear.”

He met Genevieve's eyes guilelessly. Her eyes narrowed in response – she didn't totally buy this happy-happy line from Jensen. She didn't have time to respond, though, because Jensen was getting up.

“Thanks for the news, Gen, appreciate the update. I gotta go get busy again. Take care.” And Jensen was striding away with his distinctive long, bow-legged stride.

Genevieve watched him go, muttering to herself. 

“You don't fool me, Jensen Ackles. You don't fool me for one fucking second.”


	8. Chapter 8

After he returned home from that day's filming, Jensen managed to eat a piece of pizza while having a beer or three. He sat in front of his laptop, staring at Google, unable to decide if he really wanted to find out more about Jared's coming out. Finally he put his hands on the keyboard and started typing. It was a print interview only, although lots of generic pictures of Jared were there as well, including a couple of old Supernatural shots. The interview was not very long and quite straightforward. Partway into the usual movie promotional chitchat, Jared had been asked about prospective romantic partners, and the phrasing had definitely left the gender ambiguous. Most people would have brushed it off, and Jared would have been perfectly justified to do so. Yet, he hadn't. He took the thornier path and told the reporter that no, there were not prospective romantic partners but that he was open to dating either men or women, because he was bisexual. And that was it, all done, thank you ma'am. Jared smoothly moved onto another topic, and a paragraph later, the interview was over.

Jensen stared at one of the accompanying picture of Jared. He was smiling, of course, not the huge, blinding smile but the charming, almost sheepish smile along with a full serving of the Padalecki dimples. Oh god, those dimples. Jensen loved them, used to run his fingertip through them, kiss them, lick them. They were always a surprise – look, here's Jared's smooth cheeks with the sky-high cheekbones and that sweet mouth and then SURPRISE!! The dimples would emerge, carving Jared's face into a whole different configuration. His hair was still shaggy – Jared had gotten so used to it that it was what he preferred now. He would cut it for a role, but then he'd grow it back out again. 

Jensen's eyes roved over the article again, wondering so many things. What happened with Jared's family? Had they accepted it? The interview was not brand new, so clearly – as Gen had said – Jared's career was still going all right. Was he really not dating anyone, or did he just say that to spare the public that he had a boyfriend? Jensen wanted to know these things, but also he wanted to shut the door on the news about Jared. It might be just great for Jared, but it did shit-all for Jensen. Jensen wasn't coming out anytime soon, and he wasn't going to see or talk to Jared, and so fuck all that, where's the damn bottle of vodka? Or maybe he'd just go down to Sam's. Hey, it was Tuesday, after all. Tuesday was a good day for a couple of drinks. And that's what Jensen did.

 

* * * * * * *

Driving home from yet another guest role appearance, Jensen heard his phone buzzing. He waited until he was home before checking on the missed call. His agent left a voicemail, so Jensen dialed in and started listening. He paused the message part-way through, looking at the phone to ask what was his agent drinking these days? He finished listening the message, got up and opened a beer, sat down, and listened to it all over again. 

Someone was offering Jensen a role in a new sitcom, Carry On. Jensen had a good sense of humor, not that it had been used much lately, but a sitcom? Apparently it was casting now, and the lead was a single dad. The character was frequently ironic, borderline snarky, and not simply a foil for snotty, precocious kids. There would be an occasional dating story, but there were no plans for any long-term romantic entanglement. Someone on the production staff remembered Supernatural and Jensen's great delivery of Dean's various wacky, ironic, and snarky lines, and they invited Jensen to come in and read.

Jensen was as amused as he could be right now. All his humor seemed to have long departed with Jared, because Jensen couldn't remember the last time he had a good laugh. At this point, he was more depressed than he had ever thought himself capable of becoming, and now he was going to audition for a comedy show? Why not, he wasn't doing anything else at the moment. And so Jensen returned the call to his agent, agreeing to go read for the ironic, snarky dad, and politely laughing at yes, wasn't that a stitch about Dean. Funny, funny Dean, what a clown he could be. Then Jensen hung up the phone, stared blindly out of the window, and slammed his fist down on the counter. It was the pain in his hand that made tears spring to his eyes, just his hand. That's all it was.

The read went great. They loved Jensen. Somehow his dry, acerbic slant on the lines hit just the right note they wanted for Zach, the single father of a teenaged boy and a tween-aged girl. Jensen met the kids and liked them pretty well. They seemed pretty normal, not all twisted up by the business. The three of them would be the regular cast, along with a couple of neighbors and kids' friends on the side, so the hormonal, ego-driven issues of a large cast wouldn't come into play here. The first couple of scripts of Carry On were fairly witty and showed some genuine heart. Jensen knew he could do a lot worse than to give this a shot, alien though the thought of a comedy show might be for him. He signed the contract, thanking the producers for giving him the opportunity and change of pace, nodding in agreement that this show had a lot of promise. In his head, Jensen thanked them for giving him a reason to simply keep going.

It would be a couple of months until shooting started. Jensen celebrated his new show for the first month of that time. He was at Sam's almost every evening, just chatting with Sam and maybe another regular or two as he drank himself into numbness. As the second month before filming started, Jensen looked at himself in the mirror one night before he crashed, and knew it was time to get out of the bottle. The next morning, he booked a massage for every day, a facial for every week, and then went online to order groceries, including fruit, veggies, and handy frozen organic meals for late night dinners. He dug out his running shoes and did a couple of laps around the neighborhood, cursing all the way but knowing he had to sweat the alcohol out. Jensen was too much of a professional to let his private pains undermine his performance. He'd go to the edge, maybe, but then he'd pull himself back. He'd done it after Paradise Lost ended for him, and he'd do it now.

Filming went surprisingly well. Working with kids was always a bit of a crapshoot - Jensen remembered that from the child actors Supernatural had used. These two were professionals, turning up well-prepared and paying attention to what was going on around them. The crew was efficient, staying that one step ahead of the filming so they could bang out scenes. They didn't use a live audience, for which Jensen was endlessly grateful. The show wasn't a laugh-a-minute type of sitcom, but more of a comedy with a dramatic edge. The unexpected moments of greater depth were relieved by the witty humor, and vice versa. Jensen became more and more comfortable that he had some depths to plumb with this role, and that this was a quality show he could be proud of. It did a lot to sustain him through the lonely times off-camera.

Winter break saw Jensen go through the same cycle, albeit much shorter - around 3 weeks of fairly heavy drinking followed by 2-3 weeks of tapering down and getting back into filming shape. Again at hiatus, with a trip somewhere secluded where he lost himself for a month. Clean-up, maybe he needed a month this time in order to show up the first day of season two fresh and ready to go. The show did well its first season and was promptly renewed, and if this season went well, there was no reason not to expect a season three as well. Jensen was glad - he was truly enjoying working on it, and it abated the lonely, worthless feelings inside him. It was the impetus of impending filming that made him retreat from total alcoholic abandonment, cleaning up and drying out each time. Without that impetus . . . Jensen was a little afraid to think about might happen then. A bottle could be a very slippery thing.

Being on a pretty successful show meant that Jensen had to participate in press for it. Print and on-line interviews, some appearances here and there. Jensen tried to keep it to a minimum, but he was a team player and he knew this was part of the game. They all needed to be seen, in order to help support and increase viewership for the show. He dressed sharp, put on his sincere smile, and never failed to make everyone present feel important for attending. Jensen Ackles had oodles of charm, and he only used his powers for good. He was never truly comfortable doing publicity, but he managed to convey that he was and that was what counted.

As the second season went on, Jensen continually refined his timing and delivery. He worked to avoid getting into a rut both dramatically and comically. He rarely failed to nail a laugh within a couple of takes, and if more takes were needed, it was usually because everyone was laughing so hard. It made for a happy set, and Jensen genuinely enjoyed being there. It was just the rest of his life that sucked.

 

* * * * * * *

 

Jensen looked in the mirror, unhappily evaluating what he saw. Hair greasy and flat, eyes bloodshot, skin gray under his freckles. Shadows under his eyes. Mouth narrowed and turned down at the corners. The look in those bloodshot eyes – blank. No sparkle, no laughter, no warmth. And that pretty much described how he felt in general. He wasn't eating enough, he was drinking too much, sleep was a joke, and it was all starting to show. The drinking cycles he'd kept to during break and hiatus were starting to bleed in during filming time. The make-up girls had gone from teasing to polite but firm. Now they'd moved onto outright scolding. Jensen was a beautiful man, but beauty wasn't immune to stress and neglect. He sighed, knowing he really needed to clean himself up and start taking better care of himself again. It was just...he didn't care. It didn't mean anything. What point was taking care of his looks and his body, if the person he loved wasn't there? What did the success of his career matter, if he was alone? 

He didn't want to lose his job, though, so he had to recommit to this self-care thing. First, a shower. A nice hot shower, get his hair clean and gelled, get his skin pink and fresh. Clean clothes and then downstairs for some food – maybe a grilled cheese with bacon, he loved those. He ran a hand over his face and got up to head into the bathroom. But first, he thought, but first...a quick drink. Just one, just to get his blood moving. Of course, the bottle was still on the dresser. Who needs a glass? A deep pull, and a second...he lifted the bottle for a third, but caught himself. No, gotta do better, gotta start over here. Shower and food. One step at a time. He could do this. He'd done it before.

As the hot water sluiced down his body, his thoughts drifted aimlessly. He mused over the latest scripts of Carry On...the audition his agent had told him about yesterday...the animal pleasure of the hot water and soap cleansing his body... that pleasure increasing as he gave his cock a few lazy strokes . . . daydreaming about Jared's amazing body . . . wondering how Jared was doing. The last thought pierced the drowsy fog of the liquor and the hot shower, lancing directly into the sore spot labeled “Jared” on Jensen's brain. Of course, at one time, he would have known how Jared was - there wouldn't ever have been a question called “How is Jared?” But, as the saying went, that was then and this is now. And Jensen's 'now' included not knowing how Jared was. What was he up to, where was he now, who was he sleeping with. Jensen had to lean against the wall, all sexual feelings eradicated, as wondering who Jared might be fucking felt like a punch to the stomach. Jensen took a deep breath, gasping a little as he sought oxygen. He shook his head under the stream of water, spraying the shower walls with droplets as he tried to get a grip on himself. He shut off the water and stepped out, grabbing a fluffy towel and rubbing himself down briskly. Step one of the Ackles reclamation plan was a success. Now for food...and no more of these disturbing thoughts.

The bread was moldy, so it was cheese and Triscuits instead. With water, not booze. Jensen's head already felt clearer, and he even was able to look out of the windows somewhat appreciatively. Sun and grass, cars and people moving...a regular world was going on out there. Jensen wondered idly if he was ever going to be able to truly rejoin it, or was it always going to hurt like this. After all, that's why the drinking started, an attempt to quell the chronic ache inside. Being in the world without Jared still just hurt all the time. The shower was a good start on rebooting himself, and the food and water were great, but none of it addressed the eternally gaping hole inside Jensen. The huge, Jared-shaped hole.

The despair felt far too familiar. Jensen's fresh mental clarity seemed only to intensify the realization of his heartache's depth. He gritted his teeth and reminded himself that he only had himself to blame. It had been his choice, and his alone. He needed to find some relief or forgiveness inside himself, or it was going to kill him. And this time, goddammit, he wasn't going to fall into the cycle of drinking. Not like the other times. This time, he was going to keep going, get some damn self-respect back once and for all, and live his fucking lonely life the best he could. That or die trying.

Grabbing his jacket, keys and phone, Jensen resolutely walked outside his front door. He was due for fittings and then it would be time to rehearse. Carry On was the most important thing in his life these days, and he was not going to fuck it up. While he had lost most of his pride over the years, his professional pride was as strong as ever, so yeah - he was going to 'carry on'. A half-smile twisted across his face . . . had anyone seen it, they would not have known if it was from humor or from pain.

 

* * * * * * *

 

A couple of months after his last drinking bout, Jensen was still essentially dry, barring a rare beer at a cast event. He felt better for it - healthier, stronger, at least physically. He was still on-set, waiting for the 'wrap' call after the day's taping, idling around as the directors were checking out the dailies. Nobody could leave yet, so the rest of the cast were also idling around, making chitchat as they waited for the verdict. Jensen suddenly tuned into a conversation behind him - he could have sworn he heard Jared's name. 

"He's going to be on tomorrow! I only heard because the make-up girls there were talking with Pammie. He's got that new movie coming out, so he's doing a couple of talk shows for press. I told Pammie those girls are luck-kay! That man is gorgeous! And that hair!" Yummy noises followed, then girlish laughter.

That was his TV daughter, Ashleigh, probably talking to her 'best friend' Lynn. Jensen shook his head - it couldn't be Jared, he didn't do promo appearances. Some other hot hunk, making the rounds, pressing the flesh. He sighed.

Lynn replied, "I thought he didn't do interviews and stuff like that. Why would he do Ellen now?" Jensen sidled a little closer, busily looking at nothing in particular on the kitchen counter.

"He said that he feels really strongly about this movie. It's an indie, and he plays a character who's bi in it! I guess he came out as bi a couple of years ago himself, and so he's going to talk about the whole thing - the movie and his own life - with Ellen. I gotta watch it!" said Ashleigh, her tone conveying excitement and admiration.

An icy feeling trickled down Jensen's spine. Jared was going to 'talk about the whole thing'? What fucking 'whole thing' would that be? Jared wouldn't . . . he wouldn't mention Jensen, would he? Jensen rubbed his hands over his face, forgetting that he was still in make-up. No, Jared wouldn't do that. He wouldn't out Jensen against Jensen's will. And hell, after all this time, who knew if Jared even gave a flying fuck about Jensen? Jared could have moved on, moved past it all - no one said he had to be stuck in the ruins of their old love like Jensen was. Jensen snorted. Hopefully Jared had more sense than Jensen did.

Lynn was talking again. "Maybe we can peek in tomorrow. Ellen's studio is just around the corner! We gotta check it out, Ash!"

Around the corner! Oh, yeah, he knew that. He'd seen Ellen walking around before, he just hadn't really thought about it. Well, he was thinking about it now. And he was thinking that he needed to be there, watching that interview.

"WRAP! That's a wrap for today, folks!" The welcome yell boomed through the set, and everyone cheered as they moved toward their dressing rooms. Jensen remained in the fake kitchen, lost in thought until Mike, one of the production assistants, came up to him and spoke to him gently.

"Mr. Ackles? Mr. Ackles? We're cleared to go, sir." He looked at Jensen's face, those green eyes clearly miles away. "Mr. Ackles, can I get you anything? Some water or coffee?"

Jensen came to, starting at Mike's query. "Oh, no, no, thanks. I was just thinking. I'm fine. Thanks." And with a parting smile for Mike, Jensen started to walk off. Mike was watching after him when Jensen stopped and turned back. "Mike, do you know anyone on the Ellen crew?"

"Sure, a bunch of people. The shows that film nearby each other always end up hanging out together. Do you need something?"

Jensen held his fist to his mouth for a moment, as if debating whether or not to speak. "Yeah, Mike, yeah, I do. Can you arrange it so that I could watch her taping tomorrow? But not as a guest audience member or anything, just somewhere . . . off to the side? Could you do that?"

Mike looked at Jensen, handsome as always but holding such sadness in his eyes. It played so well for the show, that underlying grief - devoted husband loses wife, yet 'carries on' to raise their children, ensuring their lives were fun and laughter-filled while he continued to deal with his loss. Mike wondered what had happened to create that sadness, his heart giving a sympathetic pang. "Sure, Mr. Ackles - I can do that. Sure thing."

"Thank you, Mike. Thanks a million." Jensen stepped back into the kitchen to shake Mike's hand. "I'll see you tomorrow, then, okay?"

"Okay, Mr. Ackles. I'll fix it right up for you. Have a good night, sir." Mike watched that straight back and those bowed legs walk off to the dressing rooms. "I wish I knew your story, Mr. Ackles. Who the hell broke your heart so badly?"

 

Jensen fidgeted as he watched the light and sound crew bustle around the Ellen set. The audience seating was full, which was fine because he didn't want to be a visible viewer. Instead, he was tucked in a shadowy corner, fairly hidden but with a good, clear sightline to the furniture grouping where Ellen would sit with her guests. He silently promised to send Mike center court tickets to the next Lakers game for arranging this so quickly and discreetly. Jensen straightened up as the crew left the stage and the audience fluffer came out to warm them up. The idea of bolting crossed his mind, but Jensen banished it immediately. He felt an imperative need to see Jared, the years apart be damned, and he wasn't going to chicken out now.

The fluffer departed and the announcer's voice swelled as he bellowed "ELLEN!", buoyed by a crescendo of music. Ellen bounded out smiling and waving, and the crowd went wild. Jensen liked her, but he hadn't seen her perform before, and her easy, natural personality was very enjoyable to watch. He almost forgot his own tension as she talked with her first couple of guests, feeling more relaxed himself as she put her guests at ease.

"Ladies and gentlemen, our next guest is a Texas boy who's made good in Hollywood. He's fought monsters and demons and saved the world, he's the quintessential best friend and buddy, and now he's here to chat with us today. Please welcome - Jared Padalecki!!" Ellen stood and applauded as Jared loped out and came up onto the stage. He waved, smiling hugely, and Jensen thought he was going to die from the full force of the dimples. Jared kissed his fingertips to the audience, waving one last time as he turned to sit on the couch next to Ellen's chair.

"Jared! It's so great to see you! You haven't been here since you were on Supernatural. That's a while ago now, isn't it?"

"That's right, Ellen, I don't think I've been here since season 2 of Supernatural, so that's nine years. I keep a pretty low profile for an actor, so it's nothing personal! I love your show! In fact, when the producers of The River Bends asked me to do a talk show or two, I said okay, but my first choice is Ellen!" More smiles, both to Ellen and the applauding audience. Jared continued talking about his decision to choose character or supporting parts with some meat and depth, rather than just going out for the lead all the time. He was happy for the variety and stability that approach had given his career. Ellen asked the occasional prompting question, or simply reacted to Jared's answers.

Jensen watched avidly as Ellen led Jared through some questions about his past projects. He couldn't take his eyes away from the other man. Jared was older now, 33 - six years older than when Jensen had last seen him, eleven years older than when Jensen had first met him. He had matured, his features more distinctive, his body more filled out. He was still wearing his hair long, and Jensen ached to run his fingers through those silky strands. Jensen was too far away to see his eyes, but Jared's face was animated, serious and happy expressions flitting across his features, a hand thumping his knee or the arm of the couch as he emphasized a point. Jensen was rapt.

"Jared, I understand you're working on an indie flick now. That's a little different for you, even in your varied career, isn't it?"

"Yes, it is, Ellen, and it's also a project very near to my heart. There's a lot of personal ties to this movie for me, which is why I agreed to do some press for it. I felt it was a movie that needed to be made, and soon it will be a movie that needs to be seen. We have a terrific director, Gus Van Sant - I'm very excited to work with him - and a fantastic cast. I really believe in this movie both as an actor and a person." 

Ellen was sitting on the edge of her own seat as she listened. "What is it about this movie that resonates so personally for you, Jared? Is that something you can talk about?"

"I can. I'm playing the lead in this movie - a lead, for once!" And the audience laughed along with Jared. "I'm the lead, and my character is a man coming to terms with the realization that he is bisexual. He's in a relationship with a woman, but he meets a man that he's very strongly drawn to. He hasn't thought of himself in those terms, so he's got to grapple with first-time feelings - including sexual feelings - for a man, and also deal with the change in his identity as a bisexual person. It's a lot for anyone to handle, and he's very overwhelmed for a while."

"That IS a lot to handle, Jared, that's a very complex set of issues. I always knew I was gay, for instance, but that isn't the case with everyone. Frankly, I think being bisexual can be even tougher and more confusing to deal with. How difficult are you finding this character to play, Jared?"

"Well, it's pretty difficult in some ways, and not so difficult in others. I've never had to juggle or choose between two relationships, so that aspect is harder for me to relate to. However, I am bisexual like my character, so as far as that aspect goes, I can pretty much reach inside myself to find the feelings I need for my portrayal."

There was some murmuring from the audience, and Jensen peeled his eyes off Jared to scan the crowd nervously. Overall, he saw interested and sympathetic expressions, so he turned his attention back to Jared and Ellen.

"Now, Jared, you came out a couple of years or so ago, didn't you? How did that go for you, in terms of reactions? As liberal as Hollywood would seem to be, I know from experience that some people's careers stall out after they come out, while others seem to do okay. I'd put you in the okay category."

"I've been very lucky as far as being out, Ellen. I really can't say I've lacked for work since my coming out - I've managed to keep working pretty steadily, and my roles have grown in depth while I've matured as an actor. This is the first role that has utilized my orientation, but that's more from simply finding this great part than anything else. Having found this character and this movie, though, I'm now deeply committed to creating the best possible portrayal I can of someone who finds himself in love, in lust, confused, struggling, all of these feelings revolving around his newly realized identity as a bisexual person. I remember going through all of those stages and feelings, and I can tap into that experience to present this character on screen."

Jared was blowing Jensen away with his words. Where did this serene, steady man come from? How was he so at ease with himself? How could he talk about these issues with such openness and grace? Jensen felt raw as he stood in his shadowy alcove. He wanted Jared to go on and on, and he wanted Jared to shut up. Jared looked relaxed, cool and at ease while Jensen felt like a tense, sweaty mess.

"What about you now, Jared, are you involved with anybody currently?"

Jared smiled and cast his eyes down for a moment. "No, Ellen, no, I'm not. I was engaged once, back in the early years of Supernatural, but she broke it off. Good thing too, because it turned out I was nowhere near ready to be married!" Jared flashed a sheepish grin. "Then I was in love after that - really, truly, gut-wrenchingly in love with an amazing man. I thought we'd be together forever, but I was wrong. It ended a long time ago. There's been some casual dating here and there, but I don't anticipate going down that road again. It's fine - I'm happy. I have a wonderful career, my family, my friends. I'm very content with my lot in life." And that spectacular smile flashed out again, reaching out to every person in the audience.

Jensen felt like he was suffocating. Oh God, it was like he was up there, only nobody knew it. Nobody knew that he was the "amazing man" Jared had been in love with. Jensen felt exposed even as he huddled in his shadows. Where did Jared find the courage to come out, to BE out like this? To talk about who he was in front of not just this studio audience, but the millions who would watch this interview on television?

Movement onstage brought Jensen's attention back. Ellen and Jared had both risen from their seats and were shaking hands now. Jared promptly enveloped Ellen in a hug after the handshakes, and she laughed and hugged him back. She whispered something to him. Jensen couldn't hear it over the clapping and cheering, but Jared smiled and nodded at her. They turned together to wave to the audience. Jared's hair was falling in his face as usual, causing a twinge in Jensen's heart as it did so, and Jared reached up run his hand through it, sweeping it back in the old, familiar gesture.

Jensen felt an electric jolt course throughout his body. His eyes were fixed on Jared, or more precisely, on Jared's arm. The arm clad in a navy sport coat, the sleeve falling back a little as Jared reached up to push his hair back. The resultant bare wrist gleamed with metal encircling it. Jensen was too far away to visually identify the metal, but he knew what it was anyway. He knew it was a silver and copper cuff, with a slight curve in the design, hailing from Ocracoke, North Carolina.


	9. Chapter 9

Jensen ducked out of the studio as the audience began to leave. Ellen and Jared were already gone. Jensen wandered back to the Carry On studio in a daze. Why was Jared wearing the cuff? Their cuff? Jensen knew that he was the 'lost love' Jared had talked about, that part was easy. But . . . the cuff? Was it merely a piece of jewelry now, or did it still mean what it meant six years ago? How could Jensen guess which was the truth? Would he ever find out the answer?

The last question slapped Jensen like a bucket of cold water. Why should he find out? What difference would it make, after all these years? Jensen scrubbed at his face with his hands, feeling tired and itchy and irritable with all these unanswered questions. He was angry too, angry that the half-life he'd settled for and settled into was all of a sudden in question. Seeing Jared, hearing Jared speak so freely about his life, made Jensen feel that a huge part of himself had woken up, that he'd been asleep or sedated, for a long time. Like any limb that's been asleep and is now awake, it hurt. Jensen hurt all over, his skin full of the pins and needles feeling that comes with the return of circulation. His head hurt from trying to think and guess and imagine the answers to his questions. And his heart hurt with a big, fucking ache that made him nauseous. An ache that could consume him whole, if he were to let it. Even Jensen, I-don't-give-a-shit-anymore Jensen, was scared of that possibility.

Thankfully, he had no scenes to film that day. Jensen walked out to the parking lot on auto-pilot, slipping behind the wheel of his truck. Enough of his brain was working that he got home safely, tossing his keys on the kitchen counter as he headed for the bar and a drink, or five. Perching on a stool, he poured a double whiskey and drank it straight down, pouring another when he was done. This one went slower, Jensen sipping it rather than guzzling it. His mind was on pause - images and random thoughts were floating around, but nothing was connecting to or making any sense. He sat there for a long time, even once his glass was empty.

Hunger finally made him move. Jensen poured another large drink and went into the kitchen, throwing together a sandwich and a salad. He sipped the whiskey as he ate. The food revived him a little, and he went into the bedroom and took a shower. He got into bed and just lay there, staring at the ceiling. He got back up and went over to his dresser, opening the top drawer that held his watches and jewelry. Picking up a square wooden box, silky smooth to the touch and with a beautiful, inlaid pattern on the lid, he brought it back to the bed and sat down cross-legged. He opened the box and just looked at the silver and copper cuff inside that sat on a bed of crumpled black velvet. The metal gleamed against the soft black of the fabric, and Jensen ran his finger all the way around the curve. He turned and put the box on his night table, lying back down and closing his eyes, staring at his eyelids until he finally fell asleep. His sleep was full of restless dreams, dreams riddled with the crashing of ocean waves, dimples flashing in a wide smile, and long brown hair framing tilted, multi-hued eyes.

Jensen woke up abruptly around 3:30 a.m. and discovered that his cheeks were wet. His throat was aching, like he'd been sobbing or crying out. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and sat there for a little while, trying to marshal his thoughts. He got up and pissed, then went to the kitchen and poured a glass of water. Sitting on the sofa, he turned on the tv and channel surfed for a while. Food shows, infomercials, news, old sitcoms, old movies - nothing could hold his attention. Law & Order was on - of course Law & Order was on, it was always on - and he paused there. Jensen saw himself walk onscreen, and he suddenly realized that it was his episode, L&O:CI, the one with the racehorse scam. The one where he'd run into Genevieve.

He kept watching, seeing Gen come out of the stable, seeing himself try to warn the breeder about the scam, watching Goren and Eames put the case together. He could hear Genevieve talking in his head, telling him at lunch that day about Jared's interview, that he'd come out. He felt frozen, stuck there on the couch, utterly cold and unable to move, watching the characters parade around spouting their lines. His face was chilly - he touched it and felt moisture on it. Tears were running down his face, silently heralding his distress.

The show ended. Jensen forced himself to move, wiping his face with the backs of his hands as he picked up the phone. He didn't know if the number he had would work, but he hit it anyway. Four rings, and he thought he was going to voicemail when someone picked up.

"Do you know what the fuck time it is? It's five o'clock in the fucking morning. You better have a good fucking reason to be calling me at fucking five o'clock in the morning." A woman's sleep-husky voice said.

"Genevieve?"

"Who the fuck else do you think it's gonna be, Princess Diana? Who the fuck is this?" Genevieve clearly was not an early riser. Jensen felt a slightly hysterical giggle try to escape his throat.

"It's Jensen, Gen, it's me - Jensen."

"Jensen? Jensen Ackles? Nice to hear from you and all, but why the fuck are you calling me to begin with, much less at - "

"At five fucking o'clock in the morning, yeah, yeah. Um, sorry about that. It's just . . . uh, you . . . I think you're the only one who can help me, Gen. And I really, really need some help here."

"Good God, Jensen, you finally go off your neurotic rocker? What on earth do you need to know that can't wait for sunrise?" Jensen heard fabric sliding and then footsteps. "Gimme two seconds to pee and you can ask your damn question." A clunk was probably the phone being put down, and Jensen was rational enough to be glad Genevieve hadn't taken the phone into the bathroom with her. He got up himself and went into the kitchen, setting up the coffeepot to brew while he waited.

"Jensen, you there?" Genevieve's voice was clearer now. "What is this, some pre-dawn existential crisis? Or your panties finally in too big a knot to undo?"

Even in his current state, Jensen couldn't help rolling his eyes. He and Gen had never been great friends, the shadow of a sasquatch falling between them. He huffed a deep breath and answered her.

"I saw him today, Gen." He paused to calm himself. "He was taping on Ellen, and I went over to watch. He was talking about his new movie, and, y'know, where he was at . . ."

"You mean he talked about being bi and out?" Gen's voice was tart, and Jensen winced.

"Yeah. Both. Bi and out. And he said . . . he said about how he'd been in love, 'really, truly, gutwrenchingly in love' was how he put it, and I swear, Gen, I thought I was gonna stroke out right there." Even in memory, Jensen shuddered with the impact of Jared's statement.

"Because you thought he was gonna out you? Or because you wanted to go up there and tell him you love him? I think you know, Jensen, that Jared would never out you, he would never do that to you. So does that mean that you wanted to go up to him? Tell him you still love him? Is that what you want, Jen, but you just can't fucking admit it to yourself?"

Jensen was silently freaking out, his heart pounding, his eyes tearing. "I don't know, okay? I don't know what I want, what I should do. I just - oh god, seeing him like that, it just fucking tore me up. My life runs on barely scraping by, Gen, but I don't think there's anything I can do about it! I'm too chicken-shit to even tell my parents that I'm gay, much less the entire fucking free world. How can I even try to be with him, it'll be like six years ago all over again, and that'll kill us, kill me. I can't walk away from him a second time, Gen, it will kill me." Jensen's eyes were overflowing now, tears streaming down his face, his nose running.

Genevieve sighed deeply. "Damn, Jensen, you really are fucked up, aren't you?" Another sigh, followed by a pause. "Okay, here's what you need to do - you need to talk to your parents. I'm pretty sure they're the root of your coming out fear to begin with. It's time they find out who you are, Jen, who you really are. You need to tell them, or you're never going to be able to get through this at all. You can't keep going like this, not after seeing Jared and getting all stirred up. Not after facing how empty your life really is. It's time. Man up, dude, and tell the folks who the hell you really are. And once you've done that, maybe you'll be able to figure the next step out from there."

Jensen sat frozen, clutching the phone. "Holy fuck, Gen, I . . . I can't . . ." And as he was about to utter more random syllables, he saw Jared again, standing on the stage with Ellen DeGeneres, waving enthusiastically to an audience who clearly loved him. If Jared could discuss his bisexuality in front of a viewing audience of millions, couldn't Jensen talk to the two adults who raised him and tell them he was gay? Couldn't he at least try?

 

* * * * * * *

 

After apologizing again to Genevieve for waking her so early, Jensen clicked off his phone and sat at the kitchen counter, drinking coffee until the sun came up. Stirring himself at the brightening sky, he went upstairs to shower and dress. Standing there with his dresser drawers open, Jensen found himself taking clothes out - a couple of tee shirts, boxers, socks, jeans. He walked to the closet and put on a button-down over his tee, then selected a couple others. His pajama pants joined the pile, and then his toiletries, as he finished using them for the morning. He found his old duffel in the bottom of the closet, and threw the pile on his bed into it. Taking the bag downstairs, he poured a big travel mug full of his coffee, deciding to pick up a bagel as he left town. He vaguely realized that he hadn't made a conscious decision about this - he was running on instinct alone. Part of him felt that he didn't want to analyze what he was doing too closely. Jensen had spent a lot of his life analyzing and calculating his behavior and actions - maybe it was time to try something new. 

Jensen threw the duffel into the passenger seat of his truck, hopping into the driver's seat with his mug in hand afterward. Starting the truck, he shifted it into gear and headed out of his driveway, thumbing at his phone as he did. He spoke to his producer, checking that he wasn't scheduled for a couple of days, and then rescheduling the next day after that. He explained he'd had a family emergency come up and needed to go out of town briefly. The producer hoped that all was going to be well, and Jensen mm-hmmed non-committally, then disconnected the call. He got on the freeway heading east - toward Texas.

 

* * * * * * *

 

Jensen was so tired - the drive had drained him. It was probably the tension - every muscle in his body felt tense, like he'd never relax again. Adding in the fatigue of a long drive, even with a short overnight stop, he was seriously whipped. But now Jensen was in the homestretch, quite literally, arriving at his parents' house in less than an hour. He could have flown, of course, but he wanted to take the extra time of driving so he could ready himself for this. Jensen was moving quickly, but he was not moving rashly. Besides, the thought of dealing with crowds at the airport was unbearable right now. His nerves were as frayed as his muscles were tight.

He pulled up to his parent's house, neat and tidy as always. His mother's flowerbeds looked lovely, as always. Jensen sat in his truck for a moment or two, preparing to see them, wondering what the evening would bring. He knew they were excited he'd come for a visit, it's been a long while since he's been here.

Show time, time to exit the truck and go to the kitchen door. He knocked, but then went right in without waiting. His mother was busy in the kitchen, dinner just about ready to serve. Jensen could hear his dad was saying something to his mom from the dining room. Jensen called out and Donna whirled around, delight on her face.

"Jensen!! Oh, baby, I'm so happy to see you!" Donna grabbed his hands to pull him further into the kitchen, then hugged him tight. "Alan! He's here!"

Alan came in and joined in the hug, his arms wrapping around Jensen and Donna both.

"It's so good to see you, son! It's been too long this time!" Alan said, clapping Jensen on the shoulder.

Jensen smiled, genuinely happy to see his parents. They look good - healthy, fit. But, man! When did they start getting old? His mother's hair was the same soft blonde as always, thanks to her hairdresser, but the texture of her skin was like gently crumpled rose petals. Alan's hair had finished turning completely white, and his face was carved by wrinkles running from cheekbone to chin. A handsome man still, but far from a young one.

"Go wash up for dinner, Jensen, and come right on into the dining room. Everything is ready, your timing is perfect!" Donna bustled to plate up the last dishes.

Jensen went into the powder room and washed his hands and face. He felt grimy from the road, but he'd shower later. If he hadn't had to leave by then, that is. He dried his face with the towel. One thing at a time, dude. One thing at a time.

Dinner was many of his favorites - his mother's baked chicken, her biscuits, her mac and cheese. A couple of vegetables to choose from, and plenty of sweet tea. Jensen started to relax under the effects of the food, the cessation of driving, and the beaming regard of his parents. They ate and talked, Donna and Alan asking about his life in L.A. and how the show was doing, telling him how they watched every episode, asking what was the set like, and so on. In return, Jensen heard about their various activities, how his brother was doing with the new baby, and how Mac was adjusting to married life. Jensen found himself laughing at Donna's lively descriptions and Alan's dry observations.

After dinner, Jensen helped clear, but then his mother shooed them into the living room with coffee and strawberry pie. The change of room broke the delicate sense of peace that dinner had given Jensen, and his tension returned full force. He sat there silently, unable to speak, as Donna and Alan settled with their dessert.

Alan sipped his coffee, and then cleared his throat, startling Jensen. 

"Son, it's wonderful to see you, but it's clear that you aren't here just to catch up. You look like you're barely hanging on by your fingernails right now. Something's on your mind, boy, so spill it."

Jensen put his cup and plate on the side table before he broke them with his tense, clumsy fingers.

"Momma, Daddy, I need to talk to you both. I need to tell you something that I should have told you long ago, and I hope it doesn't affect how you think of me."

"Jensen, honey, what is it? You're scaring me," his mother said. She reached over and gripped Alan's hand.

Alan said, "You know we love you, son. Nothing you say can change that."

Jensen closed his eyes, praying that would be true. Time to bite the bullet after all these years and just say it.

"I'm gay."

Silence.

Jensen looked from his mom to his dad and back again. Their faces were expectant, their eyes fixed on him. He was confused by their reaction.

"Uh . . . did you hear me? I said I'm gay, Mom, Dad. I have been all my life - I just never had the courage to tell you."

Now his parents exchanged glances before looking at Jensen again.

"Well, yeah, son. We knew that." His dad finally said. "But what did you want to tell us now?"

Jensen's jaw dropped.

"What? I mean, ah . . . what?? You . . . you know? You knew? How? And, uh, how long?"

Donna smiled as she answered him. "Oh, honey, is this what you were so nervous about? Sweetie, we figured it out a few years ago. We just never said anything because it was your business, and we didn't want to meddle. We thought you'd tell us when you were ready. I confess I thought you'd have said something before now, but Alan said you'd get around to it one day. And . . . here you are!"

Alan chimed in.

"Frankly, Jensen, we thought you might have come to confess that you were in love with Jared, and you two were finally ready to be together. That boy loved you like crazy, and we could see how nuts you were about him."

Jensen was stunned afresh. His parents had figured out he was gay, and they were perfectly fine with it. To cap it off, they thought he and Jared had been a couple. Not just thought it - expected it. He couldn't process it all, his brain was spinning as it struggled to catch up to this conversation.

"How did you guys figure all of this out? I thought . . . I tried . . ."

"Oh, yes, you tried to keep it all on the QT." Alan replied. "But, son, we're your parents. We love you. We know you. It was pretty plain a long time ago that girls weren't whetting your whistle." Donna smacked his arm lightly, and he chuckled. "And even more plain, was seeing you two boys together. Jared's feelings were written all over his face. The boy is not subtle when he's not acting. And you - Jensen, your heart shone out your eyes every time you looked at him. You just radiated love. Your mom and I, we never saw you look happier than when you were with Jared. We didn't figure out the nature of that love at the time, that was way before my epiphany, but there was no mistaking that love it was. We've always been confounded how the two of you went different ways after Supernatural. You haven't been anywhere near that happy since."

"Jensen, dear, this is still all your business, but - if we might ask, darling, what happened?" Donna asked. "Jared's career seems to be doing well, but I never see him with anyone in any pictures or interviews. Has he been alone all this time, too? What happened between you, honey? Why on earth aren't you together?"

Jensen was silent a moment, his mind torn between absorbing his parents' words and trying to form an answer to their questions.

"Remember when Jared and I went to the Outer Banks during the Supernatural hiatus before the final year? It, uh . . . it happened then. We finally told each other how we felt. That we loved each other, and not like brothers or best friends. We were there for two weeks, and . . ." Jensen fought tears back. "It was the best two weeks of my life. And then we came back to Vancouver, and it worked for a while. We kept it quiet, and we worked on the show, and we were living in Jared's house. God, it was . . . it was wonderful. He was wonderful." Jensen had to stop for a moment, wiping his eyes with the tissues his mother quietly pressed into his hand.

"Then Jared got it in his head that he wanted to come out. He didn't want to hide anymore. He wanted us to be together and be out and damn who didn't like it. And . . . I couldn't. I couldn't do it, Momma. I was so worried about what would happen to my career, my life as an actor. And even more, I was worried about you. Both of you." He looked directly at his parents. "I know you had certain views about homosexuality, and I . . . all I could think was that you'd hate me. That you wouldn't want me to be your son anymore. And as much as I disagreed with that, I still couldn't risk it. I love you, you're my parents, and I didn't want that to end."

Jensen fell silent, dropping his eyes from his parents to wipe them, and clearing his throat before he continued.

"So that's what happened with us. We couldn't agree on it, and we broke up near the end of Supernatural. He's been living his life ever since, and I'm living mine."

"Oh, my dear," Donna spoke softly. "I'm so, so sorry. I wish now we had spoken sooner and told you we knew. It wouldn't have been in time for you two back then, but maybe we could have spared you some heartache since. We were so afraid you'd be offended or angry that we were messing around in your life. But now . . . I wish we'd risked it." She, too, dabbed at her eyes.

"Jensen, you're right about how we used to think. I considered homosexuality a crime against God and nature." Jensen's head jerked over to face his father. "Relax. I had my epiphany. And I just thank God that I didn't have it too late."

Jensen sat back, looking at his dad with curiosity. He felt drained after steeling himself to be so open with his parents. Now he found himself able to relax somewhat as Alan told his story.

"When I retired a couple of years ago, I decided to become a lay visitor for the church, as you know. I go around to a few local hospitals and visit the sick and injured who can't get to church. They desire some company and prayer, some spiritual sustenance. I'm not a minister, but I do have faith and some training, and I wanted to help my church, give something back to people. It's been very rewarding, and I still do some visiting today."

"One of my visits one day was to a young man in the VA hospital. He had been injured quite badly in Iraq. His life was no longer in danger, but he was going to be in the hospital for a while still, and then would have to go for rehabilitation. He was very personable - intelligent, thoughtful, a good conversationalist. He was very pleased to have me visit. We'd read the Bible together, pray, and simply chat - he was lonely, happy for the company. I admired how well he dealt with his injuries and pain - he handled his situation with grace. He had a strong faith, and told me more than once how grateful he was for my ministry to him during his trial. In turn, I admired his faith, his perseverance, and his fortitude." 

"I grew quite fond of Ryan, as my young man was named. In fact, I cared for him quite like a son. He was around the age you were when you moved to California, Jensen, and when I looked at him, I could see you. I thought you would handle yourself very similarly, if you found yourself in a like situation. He had a good sense of humor - dry, like yours - and while he had a certain natural reserve, he was not distant with people. He enjoyed smiling and chatting with his fellow patients and their visitors."

"At some point, during one of our discussions, I asked Ryan about his post-hospital plans. I knew he still had some rehab ahead of him, but it would be as an out-patient, and he could return home to complete it. I said to him 'so, Ryan, who's the pretty girl that's waiting for you at home?' And he answered, 'No pretty girl waiting for me, Alan, but there's a strong, beautiful man there that I fell in love with six years ago. We met in high school, and we've been together ever since. He supported my enlisting, but then he got real scared when my deployment came up. I kept telling him everything would be fine, that I would be fine,' and Ryan laughed a little there as he wiped a tear at the same time. 'Clearly not as fine as we hoped, but I'm alive, and I'll be pretty much okay, and most importantly, we'll be together again. God saw fit to watch over me, and now I'll do my best to help watch over others.'"

"I'm not gonna lie, son, I was stunned. This young man had so many of the qualities that I admire in a man: he was pious, stalwart, patriotic, aspired to only do good, and to serve his fellow man and God. And he was gay. He was, as they say, out and proud."

Alan paused for a moment, swept up in the emotions of his story. He sipped his coffee and turned to Donna, putting his arm around her for a brief squeeze. Jensen was totally wrapped up in Alan's recounting. 

"Son, I think back now," Alan resumed. "I think back, and I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed of myself, and of the unreasoning hatred of homosexuals that I harbored in the past. The scales fell from my eyes that day, as I sat and looked at Ryan's earnest, open face and listened to his words. I thought, I was to minister to him, dear Lord, and he has ministered to me instead. And I was thankful I'd been given the opportunity to learn and to change, before it was too late."

Jensen swallowed thickly, refusing to give way to the tears filling his eyes. Alan saw his emotional reaction, but gave Jensen the time he needed to control himself, knowing Jensen's reluctance for emotional displays. When Jensen appeared a little calmer, Alan went on.

"There are some things I just don't want to know about, and I don't apologize for that. I don't need to know about the actual sex stuff, for instance, it's just not my business. Whether it's a man and a woman, or two men, or two women - what they do for their love and pleasure is their concern, and theirs alone. But what I do know is that love is love, and that's what is important, not which person is what gender."

Jensen cleared his throat again, getting up to get some water in the kitchen and collect his thoughts. He'd never dreamed his father could change like this, could learn to accept something he'd so reviled in the past. Returning to the living room, Jensen sat down and asked his parents a question.

"Mom, Dad, you said you . . . knew about me already. How did you know? When?"

Donna answered this time.

"It's little things, really, but over time they add up. And as you watch your child grow up, you just know things about them. Sometimes you can see something coming way before it arrives. You were never interested in girls, you just went through the motions of dating to fit in. And you had your good friends, but then there would be someone that would coax that extra twinkle out of your eye, and I'd know you were crushing on them. You loved your football and your sports and video games and roughnecking, but that just proved you were a boy. Frankly, I never said anything to your father, because I knew how he felt about it, but I saw him watching too and I knew he wasn't missing anything. He was just pretending it wasn't there, but deep down, he knew."

"When your daddy went through his epiphany with Ryan, he came to me to talk about it. We've always talked about things, even if we didn't always agree. He told me everything he just told you, and then he sat there, just holding my hand and looking at it. He sighed, and he looked up at me, and he said 'Donna, our boy is gay.' And I just burst into tears. It was such a relief to hear him say that - to have that secret out between us. It's so hard to keep something like that from your partner. But he'd said it, and now we could talk about it together. We talked about you, Jensen, and we agreed that whenever you decided to come to us, we would finally talk about it with you, and you wouldn't feel you had to hide it from us anymore. But we had to wait because, dear, it's your personal business, your decision. It's your life, honey, but we're always here to support you."


	10. Chapter 10

They stayed up a little while longer, chatting easily but not touching again on the serious discussions of earlier. Jensen's world view had been altered, and he needed to digest everything he had learned. The good night hugs from his parents were extra tight when they all retired.

He woke up early, despite his fatigue from the day before. His mind was still whirling from last night's conversations, but superseding that was a sense of urgency. He felt compelled to return to Los Angeles as quickly as possible. Jensen refused to think about why he felt this way - as he had taken the trip out on gut instinct, so he would return under the same impetus. He threw his previous day's clothing and pajamas back into his duffel, bringing it out with him as he walked into the kitchen to wish his parents good morning.

They saw the duffel right away, and looked at each other with warm smiles. Jensen caught the exchange, and - rather gruffly - said, "What? What's with the little smiles there?"

Alan pulled the coffee carafe out of the coffeemaker and filled Jensen's travel mug. "See you got your bag all set there, son. Here's coffee, you'll be needing a wake-up as you start your drive back to Los Angeles."

Donna chimed in, "And here's some muffins, I just baked them yesterday. That way you can eat as you go, and you won't have to stop for a while yet. Be sure to stop when you're tired, though. You need to get back there all in one piece."

Jensen looked at the two of them, feeling his mental picture of them come apart into little puzzle pieces that reassembled into new configurations. His own reserve crumbled, and he understood that, when he walked out that door, he was going out into a different world. His heart was full with love and gratitude, and he dropped his bag to step forward and catch them into a hug. Jensen closed his eyes and just held his parents, feeling the hard, bony frame of his father and the softer, shorter one of his mother. His father's aftershave mingled with his mother's sweet fragrance, giving Jensen a sense of home that he hadn't felt in years.

Jensen loosened his arms and stepped back, eyes damp as he looked at Alan and Donna once more. "Thank you. I can't . . . I just . . ." He stopped to clear his throat. "Just . . . thank you. I'll call you when I get back to L.A., okay?"

"Of course, Jensen. We love you. Drive safe now - I know you're in a hurry, but be safe." Donna said.

"Take care, son. We'll wait to hear from you." Alan joined in.

Jensen gathered his stuff up and took everything out to the truck. His parents came out on the stop to wave good-bye as he slowly pulled away and began the journey back to California.

 

* * * * * * *

 

The first leg of the trip went smoothly enough. Jensen sipped his coffee and ate a couple of his mother's freshly baked muffins as he headed west on Highway 20. His plan was to swing onto 84N at Sweetwater, directly after passing through Abilene, then continuing to follow 84N through Lubbock and into New Mexico. He would finally turn onto Interstate 40N at Santa Rosa, taking the interstate the rest of the way into Los Angeles. He'd take an overnight break in Santa Rosa, completing the drive the next day.

Jensen's plan went smoothly enough as he cut across Texas on 20 West. The highway got him out of Dallas quickly, and then he just rode it out, letting the miles pass on by, listening to his iPod through the truck's speakers. He approached Abilene and started keeping an eye out for the exit onto 84N, the road that would carry him northwest and into New Mexico. There was the exit! And onto the curving ramp he went, headed toward Lubbock. 

Just a few miles onto 84N, Jensen noticed that his truck was rattling much more than usual. He tried to think if he'd left tools or something loose in the truckbed. It certainly wasn't letting up, and the noise started getting on Jensen's nerves. Deciding he needed to pee anyway, Jensen took the next rest stop for that purpose as well as checking for debris in the truck bed. The first task was quickly dispatched, and the second was unsuccessful. There was nothing in the truck bed except a folded up blue tarp, and a small toolbox that was firmly bungeed to a side panel. Jensen was puzzled, as he had his truck maintained on a regular basis. It definitely wasn't the newest truck on the lot, but the last check-up had only been for small stuff - oil & fluids, filters, a couple of small belts. Jensen sighed as he got back in the truck and headed onto the entrance ramp. He resolved to bring the truck into the garage, once he was home, and have it thoroughly checked out.

He drove on, trying to ignore the now-constant rattling. The signs for Littlefield flashed past just about the time he felt a shimmy underneath him. Jensen almost wasn't sure he'd really felt it, except then it happened again. Now he was unnerved, wondering what was going wrong, how wrong was it going, and would everything be okay until California? He didn't have the answers for any of those questions.

Unfortunately, his truck problems were further exacerbated by entering a repaving zone. The asphalt was all gone, leaving him bouncing on the bumpy under-layer of the road and prey to the various plates and structures now exposed. He was hitting one bump after another, cursing as he tried to avoid things without swinging out of his lane. Happily, traffic was light, but that was the only thing currently in Jensen's favor. He prayed that all this bumping wasn't making the cause of the rattling and shimmying worse.

The unpaved section went on and on, forcing Jensen to drop his speed. He finally got to the point where he considered exiting 84N to find an alternate route. Watching the signs, Jensen saw he wasn't that far from the New Mexico line. Maybe he could stop there and find a garage to check things out, as the shimmy was recurring more and more frequently. Jensen crossed his fingers to make it to Clovis before anything catastrophic happened.

The state line at last! Jensen breathed a sigh of relief passing the "Welcome to New Mexico" billboard. Clovis was dead ahead. The truck was shaking like it had palsy at this point, and Jensen had given up on playing music since he couldn't hear it over the rattling anymore. He was in the outskirts of town now, and he stayed in the right line as he kept his eyes peeled for a decent-looking garage. Please, please, please, Jensen chanted softly, over and over. There! On the other side of the road, but Jensen went for it anyway. He cut into the left lane and slowed, ignoring drivers honking behind him as he waited for a chance to make a U-turn. Seeing a gap, he swung out, resolutely ignoring the truck's bucking. He backtracked the yards to reach Matt's Garage, a three bay garage with ample parking. Jensen turned into Matt's driveway, brought the truck alongside the garage bays, and killed the engine. He heaved a sigh of relief.

The next hour was frustrating. The good news was Matt had someone look at his truck immediately. The bad news was the diagnosis - the truck's rear struts were completely shot. The truck was not going anywhere until it was repaired, and Matt didn't have the correct struts in stock. They would have to be ordered, and it was going to be two days before they arrived. Jensen wanted to punch something out, but there wasn't anything to punch. Matt and his mechanics were being as helpful as possible - it wasn't their fault that Jensen needed to get to L.A. as soon as he could. They assured him he could leave the truck there and they'd take care of all the repairs. They would call Jensen when the truck was ready, so he could decide then about how to have it transported back to California.

That left Jensen without any transportation. There was no bus stop in town, and really - Jensen wasn't a snob of any kind, but he didn't think he could take the bus anyway. He was tired and thirsty by now, so he grabbed his duffel out of the truck and walked down the road to a bar he'd passed on his way to Matt's. He entered the bar and was greeted by blissfully cool air conditioning and the aroma of burgers being grilled.

The burgers were excellent - Jensen had two, along with a tall glass of ice water and then a frosty cold beer. Food and drink did a lot to restore him, but there was still the pressing issue of returning to L.A. He was sitting at the bar, plate pushed to one side, and he ordered another beer. The bartender was friendly enough, so Jensen told him of his situation, hoping for some advice or a pointer to a solution. Sadly, the bartender had neither to offer Jensen. Jensen ordered a third beer, this one accompanied by a shot of tequila. He sure wasn't driving anywhere, so what difference did a couple of drinks make? The shot was quickly followed by a second, then a third. Jensen felt the buzz kicking in, but he didn't know where to go at this point.

A husky man, medium height and wearing a Rangers ballcap on sparse hair, materialized next to Jensen's elbow. "Howdy, name's Kev. I hear you're stranded with a bum truck. Where you headed?"

Jensen looked at Kev blankly. Kev's words finally sunk in past the alcohol, and Jensen stood up to shake Kev's hand. "I'm headed to Los Angeles, and my truck's gonna take a few days still. Did you have a suggestion for me? 'Cause I really need to get there as soon as I can, but I don't know how to make that happen, at this point."

Kev nodded as he took the seat next to Jensen. "I'm a big rig driver, and I've got a load heading west. Can't take you right into L.A., but I can get you close. You can ride shotgun, you can even grab some Z's in my compartment - you're looking pretty beat. You're welcome to call my boss, check up on me - heck, Matt knows me too, you can talk to him. It's not first class, but I can get ya there."

Jensen was floored. He'd make the calls to sure Kev was on the up-and-up, but the kindness of the offer was remarkable. "Damn, I sure appreciate this, Kev. What can I reimburse you for? Gas, food, time - you name it."

"Naw, no need for that. I'd be going anyway - leastaways now I'll have some company. I'm pretty much ready to go, if you wanna hit the head and grab your bag, we can be on the road in less than an hour."

"Man, this is - wow, this is amazing. Thank you so much. I'll be ready in ten, okay?" Jensen shook the man's hand again and headed to the men's room, texting Matt as he went. Matt vouched for Kev, and fifteen minutes later, Jensen found himself climbing into the passenger side of Kev's big, blue cab.

Jensen lasted about an hour before his eyelids were closing on him. Kev glanced over and laughed. "Boy, you are done in! Slide that curtain over and stretch out on the cot back there. Nothing to see for a while, might as well catch up on some rest." Jensen thanked him groggily, crawling into the back compartment and stretching out gratefully on the built-in sleeping platform. A homemade afghan was folded at the foot of the mattress, which Jensen pulled over his weary body. He barely had time for an enormous yawn before he was asleep.

The unfamiliar sounds of a big rig truck woke Jensen from a restless sleep. He did feel refreshed, even though it had only been a couple of hours. He stretched as much as he could, then crawled back through the curtain to rejoin Kev. Kev greeted him jovially.

"You look like you feel a sight better! Some shut-eye did you right. Sorry I ain't got any coffee, but there's some Cokes in the little cooler there - help yourself."

Jensen took a Coke and swallowed a couple of hearty gulps. "Yeah, I'm sure there's more sleep to come, but that really took the edge off. Thanks, man. Where are we?" The last question was prompted by the fact that everything looked the same in this part of New Mexico - flat and dusty.

"We were on 84N, then it turned into 60W, that was it for most of your nap. Now we've turned off 60 and we're heading southwest on 54. I got to go close to the border before I finally turn west again."

Jensen was taken aback. "Holy shit, Kev - I mean, I'm not ungrateful to you at all, but that's so far out of the way, isn't it? Couldn't we cut up to Interstate 40 and just head due west at that point?" He was conscious of walking the fine line between following his urgent need to get home and not being rude to a man who'd done him a kindness.

"Can't be helped - I got stops to make and I can't just blow them off. How big a hurry you in?"

Jensen felt tears threatening and blinked them back hard. "Pretty big hurry, Kev, pretty damn big. I got some unfinished business that I need to address as soon as I can. It's - it's everything. Everything." And a single tear fell from his eye, trickling down his cheek. He dashed it from his face, but not before Kev saw it. Kev didn't think any less of Jensen - a powerful man was going to feel some powerful emotions, and he could see that Jensen was a powerful man.

"Son, I can't go back or I'm going to miss my schedules. Best I can think of is to drop you off. You can either hitch another ride shortly or else start heading north to the Interstate, and someone's gonna pick you up along the way. You good with that? I don't want you to think I'm just kicking you out. You're still more than welcome to ride the whole way with me. Choice is up to you."

In the end, Jensen chose to try his luck with another ride. Kev slowed his rig and pulled over, gently coasting to a full stop. Jensen picked up his duffel, as well as another Coke and a bottle of water the Kev pressed upon him, and shook Kev's hand. He hopped down onto the shoulder, backing up so Kev could start up and pull away onto the road. Jensen stood there in the dusty quiet, looking around at the flat bunch of nothing there. He sighed, put on his sunglasses, picked up his bag, and started walking.

The plan was to backtrack along 54 until he got to Route 3, which he'd follow north to 285, and ultimately to Interstate 40. Ideally, of course, he'd get a ride - or rides - and not be walking all that way.

The problem was that he had no idea how far down on 54 he was, and therefore when he might expect to come across Route 3. And traffic was, to put it charitably, light. Very, very light. One could say it was nonexistent.

After the first hour, Jensen was hot and cranky. The Coke was gone, and he was hanging on to the water. He stopped for a minute to survey the landscape. If his feet weren't telling him he really had been walking, he'd think he was in the same spot Kev had dropped him off in. He sighed, allowed himself a couple of sips of water, and got to it again.

By the third hour, Jensen was toast. He liked to think of himself as being in pretty good shape - fit, trim, well-muscled. But something like this was outside of his purview. The non-stop walking in boots, the unrelenting sun, the dusty heat - it took a toll that Jensen hadn't expected. He was hot, dusty, sticky, thirsty, and hot some more. He was pissed at himself for jumping ship from Kev's truck, a move that hindsight called idiotic. He had no idea how close he was - or wasn't - to Route 3. Jensen thought this was about as physically miserable as he'd ever been in his life.

Jensen pulled out his phone. He wasn't sure what or who he was even going to call, considering he was in the ass-end of nowhere. Maybe inspiration would strike when he checked it out.

Only he couldn't. Check it out, that is. Because in the ass-end of nowhere, there isn't a cell tower. Or a signal. That phone could have been a doorstop, for all the use it had.

Jensen lost it. For ten seconds, he lost it, lost the whole shebang. He yelled, he cursed, he stamped his foot like any recalcitrant child. And the hand that was holding the phone swung back, all the way back, and then, in an arc that would make a major league pitcher cry, it swung back and pitched that phone into the air, sailing and spinning until it hit the ground in a little puff of dust.

The crack of the phone's impact was audible to Jensen, even from several feet away. He froze when he heard it, eyes fixed where the puff of dust had risen, temper tantrum over. He slowly walked over to it, picked it up from the litter of rocks it had fallen on, brushed it off. The screen was cracked. It was covered with dust. And when Jensen thumbed the power button, there was no response. That phone was a goner.

There really wasn't anything Jensen could to, but start walking again. So he did, one foot after another. And at some point, he realized he wasn't just in the desert - he was at a gas station. He laughed to himself about finding a gas station when he had nothing to gas up, but there was a vending machine with water and soda. Jensen bought three bottles of water, drinking two of them and pouring the third over his head and face. He sat at the curb of the station, slowly drank the last of the second bottle. Across the street he saw a rundown building signed Penny's Diner, and he thought he'd go there shortly for some food and more water. He just needed to cool his head down a bit first.

Jensen got up, stretching his tired legs. He could see up past the diner a bit was a motel, a little six or eight door affair. Looked like the three businesses were all that was around here. The gas station seemed empty, but there were a couple of cars parked at the diner, so someone was around. As Jensen turned to finish surveying the place, a flash of sun on chrome caught his eye. It was a pay phone, standing off to the side of the tiny parking lot. It still looked to be in decent shape, body unbroken, handset still intact. “Christ,” Jensen thought. “I didn't think there were any pay phones even left anywhere. Probably doesn't work – fucking derelict piece of crap. This whole fucking pit stop looks godforsaken.”

Jensen knew he should go to the diner, but he stood where he was, deep in thought. Half of the time as he had walked, he had been concentrating on the effort of the walk itself, but the other half? The other half, his mind had been filled with thoughts of Jared. Jensen's memory had replayed everything it could about Jared. It was as if Jared was a genie freshly released from a bottle, the bottle where Jensen's mind had stuffed all those painful thoughts and memories of Jared. Jensen had pushed all those thoughts and feelings away for so long, trying to simply keep on going without him. That dam had broken over the last couple of days, and the resultant flood was as painful as it was invigorating.

Jensen realized, while he trudged along in the desert, that his urgent imperatives were all about Jared. He needed to see Jared, and not just from afar. He needed to talk to Jared and tell him everything Jensen had found out and figured out. He wanted to touch Jared, but Jensen didn't think that was gonna happen. He was no fool, and he knew how long and how hurtful this separation had been. He would be damn lucky if he got to just talk to Jared a little bit, hopefully just convey some of Jensen's realizations. That would be enough.

Picking up his duffel, Jensen walked slowly over to the pay phone. He let the bag drop and pulled out his wallet, extracting a credit card. Dialing "O", he followed the prompts to enter his card number. Then it was time to enter the phone number, and Jensen hesitated. Dear lord, was he really going to do this? Unbidden, his hand moved to punch in the phone number. As he listened to the mechanical beeps, Jensen panicked for a second. What if Jared didn't have this number anymore? What if he changed it, as part of shedding the past? Just when he thought he should hang up, the call went through and began to ring.

Jensen clutched the handset of the pay phone, feeling his sweaty palm slip on the dark plastic. His other hand was pressed against the top of the phone body, and he leaned his head against it as he listened to the ringing echo through the line.

"Hello?" Jared's deep voice startled Jensen - he'd pretty much been expecting to get voicemail. He was momentarily speechless.

". . . Jared?"

"Yes, who is . . . Jensen? Jensen??"

“Don't hang up, Jared . . . please. Don't hang up. Just . . . just give me a couple of minutes, okay? Please? Just a couple of minutes?”

Jared sighed, far away in Los Angeles. “Jensen, what . . .”

“Baby, please let me . . . please, I have to tell you, before anything else – I love you, Jared. I love you. And I don't care anymore who knows it, as long as you do. I love you, baby.” Jensen blinked hard, his eyes stinging, his throat tight. Must be the damn dust out here in the back-ass end of nowhere. Yeah, the dust . . .

"Jensen, what on earth - why are you calling me? I haven't heard a word from you in six years, and all of a sudden you're calling me to say you love me? What the hell?" Jared sounded angrier, but Jensen didn't get angry back. He knew he deserved it, deserved more, and worse. He just had to stay focused and say what he needed to say. As long as Jared kept listening to him.

"Jared, I know this is crazy, I'm freakin' crazy, but I had to talk to you. I've been such an asshole, and I'm so, so sorry, darlin'. I've been stupid and ridiculous and scared, I've been a coward, but I'm done with that. I'm done. And I had to tell you, you know? I had to tell you, because I love you so much."

Jared cleared his throat. "What . . . what are you talking about, Jensen? Where did all this come from? Why are you telling me this stuff now? Six years, man, six fucking years, and now you decide you have to call me and tell me shit like this? What the fuck is going on in your head?" His voice cracked a little as he finished speaking.

"I saw a tv show the other day, Jared, a show that changed my life." Jensen heard Jared scoff. "No, really, it did - just wait. Please, wait and let me tell you, okay? Please?" He waited a moment before rushing on. "It was Ellen, Jared - I saw you taping on Ellen. God, you looked so beautiful, so gorgeous that day. And you talked about your new movie, and then about coming out and being bi, and I thought I was gonna die right there, watching you on that stage. I didn't know what to even think, except about how strong and brave you were. You told millions of people about you being bi, and you looked so at ease doing it. It blew me away, just . . . like, gone, just gone."

"How did you - where were you? I never saw you there!"

"My show tapes at a nearby lot, and a P.A. from my show got me in, but not in the audience seating. I saw your whole segment. And I went home and then I was up all night, because I couldn't stop thinking about it. I couldn't stop wondering how you could do it, Jared, what made you able to talk to all those people like that?"

Jared was quiet a moment. "I won't say it was easy, but it wasn't complicated, Jensen. I talked about me. I talked about who I am. If I can't talk about who I am at my core, then what's the point of the rest of it?" His voice got huskier as he kept speaking. "Jensen, I don't judge you. Not anymore. It's not my place to tell you what to do or how to live your life. I tried to do that before, and . . . I'm sorry. It's not my place to judge you - it never was."

Jensen's eyes filled with tears. He pressed his fist against his mouth, unable to speak. It took a couple of choked attempts to get his next words out.

"I - I drove to Texas after the taping. I was there just yesterday. Had dinner with my folks, and . . . I told them. I finally told them, Jared, after all these years. Told them I was gay. I swear, it was the hardest sentence I ever said."

"Jen!! Oh my God, Jen, what happened? What did they say? Are you okay?" Concern bled through the phone, Jared clearly anxious about the outcome.

"Jared, it was crazy. Fucking crazy. They already knew! They had already figured it out! Jared, they even figured out about you and me!! They thought we were together back then! I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone! Where were my real parents, the ones who hate faggots?" Jensen barked a laugh. "They were so fucking reasonable! I was pretty much geared up for a fight, and instead I'm drinking coffee and eating pie as we discuss my former co-star as my potential boyfriend! Jesus!!"

"Wow, that's unreal, man!" Jared chuckled. Jensen was in heaven, hearing that joyful sound. He wiped his arm across his eyes and sniffed, fighting back tears. This whole conversation was elating him and scaring him at the same time, and the emotional overload was threatening to break him down right there. He sniffed again, cleared his throat, and spoke again.

"So, there you have it, Jare - I'm out. I mean, there's the rest of the world to come out to still, but I'm out to the people I was scared to tell the most. And the sky didn't fall, and my ass isn't full of buckshot. I figure, I told my parents - I oughta be able to tell everyone else now, right? Because the man I love did it, and he's the smartest, the handsomest, and the bravest son of a bitch I know. And maybe, just maybe, if I can show him I mean it - show him how much I love him, and how I'm not going to hide anymore - maybe we could see each other sometime. If that's okay with him. Because he still owns my heart - I haven't let anyone inside there since him. It's always been him, and it will never be anyone but him." Jensen was crying now, not caring if Jared heard him, simply feeling the relief of expressing six years of love and emotion at last.

“Jen, oh god, Jen...” Jensen heard Jared start crying on his end. “It's been so long, Jen . . . I don't know if . . .what . . . what do you expect to happen here?”

“I don't know, Jared. I just . . . see, I was hitching because my truck broke down as I was driving back from Texas, and then I was walking, and then I broke my cell phone and I saw a pay phone, and who the hell even uses pay phones anymore? But my cell was broken and it was right there and . . . I had to call. I had to hear your voice again. I love you so much, Jare, and I miss you like crazy. My life's been so empty without you, darlin'. I know I was a bastard - I was angry and confused, and just a fucking asshole. And when I saw you on Ellen, Jared, and you were so beautiful, and so fucking strong. I didn't know how one person could be so strong like that, because it sure as hell wasn't me. I've been a fucking coward." Jensen was crying again, the tears running down his face, and he didn't know how his heart could feel broken and healed at the same time. He closed his eyes, listening to Jared's snuffles and hitching breaths and knew that he'd never heard anything so beautiful before. "I don't expect anything from you, baby. It's been so long, I know I'm too late. I just had to call you, had to talk to you, let you know what I finally figured out.” 

“Jensen . . . where on earth are you?”

“Oh, shit, I don't even know. The ass-end of nowhere, man. Uh...”Jensen looked around looked at the gas station the pay phone was at. “I'm at an Allsup's gas station on Route 3, in New Mexico. There's a dinky little pit stop with the Allsups and uh...Penny's Diner and..the Desert Motel.”

“I'll find you. Stay there, Jensen, okay? For fuck's sake, you stay there and you don't go anywhere. Do you hear me, Jen? Well, you can go to the diner and get some coffee. And maybe some pie. Okay? Okay, Jen?? I'm gonna come get you, will you wait there for me?”

Jensen didn't think that he wasn't going to be able to talk, his throat was so choked up and his heart so full. He tried to say 'yes', but he couldn't get any sound out. Instead of a reply, Jared heard a big sniff over the line.

“O..okay,” Jensen managed to get out, after a husky throat-clearing. “I'll go over to Penny's Diner and wait. Jared...I'll wait, I promise. I'll fuckin' wait forever if I have to, as long as I get to see you again. You okay with that?”

“I'm okay with it, Jen. Jesus, I can't believe this, I thought we'd...never mind. You stay there, and you don't budge from your fucking seat unless you gotta pee, you hear me? I'm picking up my keys now, I'm leaving and I'll be there as soon as I can.”

“Be careful, Jared, drive safe. I'll be here. Don't want anything to happen to you, I'd – I'd . . .” and Jensen couldn't continue, emotion again choking him into silence.

“No fear, I'm gonna drive like a...a fucking nun or something!” Jensen chuckled at Jared's example, the laugh ending in a strangled sob. “Okay, I got the info, go ahead and hang up, Jen. I'll be there. And, Jen?”

Jensen croaked,“Yeah, Jare?”

“I love you too. Always have, always will. There's a cuff on my wrist that proves it.”

The line disconnected, and Jensen hung up the phone. He held onto the handset, leaning on the phone box, feeling tears still trickling down and dripping off his chin. He rested his forehead on the phone, praying silent thanks to the gods above that they'd seen fit to give him a chance with Jared. He cried outright for a few minutes, sobs shaking his body as the phone supported him, finding a release he hadn't known he needed. His breathing calmed down and he lifted his head up, coughing as he cleared his throat again. He wiped his eyes and face with the his shirttail, not wanting to walk into the diner a wet, snotty mess. Looking around as he regained his composure, Jensen thought how funny it was that this dusty, faded little pit stop was so damn pretty now. 

Jensen straightened up, his hand still on the phone, and looked over at Penny's Diner across the street. He looked back at the phone and smiled. “Thank you,” he murmured, feeling so grateful, yet stupid for talking to a phone. “Thank you...” He patted the phone softly, letting his hand slide down it, then turned to start walking. He quickened his step and crossed the street, making the diner's door-bell ring as he opened it and stepped inside.


End file.
